2010...

So many people are saying that 2010 was horrible for them. While it wasn't the best year I've ever had it's definitely not the worst! This year actually has had some pretty awesome stuff. I survived another year - always a plus ;), I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up (I hope), I got into grad school, and my beautiful niece graduated from high school (and started college and got straight A's for her first semester). Most importantly I kept in touch with old friends and managed to make some new ones. I started the year off with a birthday...and I can't even remember what it looked like except that there was a cake that looked like it was on fire. I'm pretty sure this is the year that I was told that I was a consideration if something happened to a little guys parents of where he may need to go (very flattered Kellie and Denise - thank you for your trust and friendship). I learned this year that it feels better just to make a decision and go for it than to sit and think about it forever (therapist v lawyer - the big debate). I learned that Texas is seriously effin hot in June ;) lol. I learned that my family of choice is never far away (I probably knew that, but it still seems important). I also learned that my family of choice is different than mom's, but that we both would do anything for each others family of choice as well. I learned that I can keep a friend even when I am confronting them with some harsh alternatives. I learned that it is possible to just know that you can trust someone you don't know well. I learned that teenagers are difficult (I knew this too, but I didn't realize how difficult). I realized that it is my own fault that people only see me in a certain way. I realized that I am not comfortable showing my weaknesses to people that I don't trust to take care of my heart. I learned that I CAN show that side to some people and know that they won't screw me over. It's taken me a long time to get back there, but I'm working on it. It's hard to remember that not everyone is going to screw you over in the end sometimes. I've learned that people can be gone for a long time and still come back and love you as much as the last time you saw them. I've learned that I can do well when I try. I've learned that life is hard, but if you surround yourself with the right people they will try to make you laugh until it seems a little less hard and a LOT less lonely. I have learned that some people are REALLY stubborn, but that doesn't EVER stop me from trying (yeah you know it's about you...lol). I've learned that some people just are who they are and there's no use trying to figure them out. Waste.of.time... I've learned that grief is really shitty and screwed up and there is no "right" way to do it AND unfortunately, there is no time frame for when things quit sucking. I've learned that I do not see me the way others see me. I am a lot harder on myself...I am my own harshest critic. I've learned that I'm sometimes seen as "superhuman" because I make choices that would be hard for other people. I know that I am very human...I've just made different less noticeable mistakes. I've realized that professionals have a really high bar that they are expected to rise to and that people often put them so high up that when they do make a mistake everyone panics...even though it's just them being human. I've learned a lot more this year, but the distractions just got me off track so let's get to what I'm grateful for...
I am grateful for my family of choice.
I am grateful for my family of choice...I know I said it twice but I'm super grateful for these people.
I am grateful that grad school introduced me to some seriously awesome people.
I am grateful that I live in a country where men and women voluntarily risk their lives for me everyday...the military, the police dept, the firemen and women, the emt workers, etc
I am grateful that I live in a country where I will (unless they are violating my rights) be allowed to voice my opinion as much and as loudly as I want.
I am grateful that we are making progress in so many areas of our world...from gay rights to disease.
I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, a job, food, family, and my comforts...they are NEVER a guarantee.
I am grateful that I always have someone to turn to in my times of hardship...it's hard to ask for help sometimes but good to know it's always there.
I am grateful for love. All of the love that surrounds me each and everyday.
I am grateful that "my" God has given me the things I've needed most at the times when I have needed them...whether it be a friend on facebook in the middle of the night (Martha and Natasha - thank you both) or a kind stranger to help me when I run out of gas (mom's fault ;) lol).
I am grateful that I am surrounded by lovely, kind, funny, witty, smart, wonderful, awesome, and loving people every.single.day.
I am loved and for THAT I will always be eternally grateful.

Thank you to everyone who has made this year what it was...the good, the bad, the ugly ;) -- No matter what I am GRATEFUL that I got to spend this year with all of you, surrounded by all of your love.

I'm still whiny...and not funny...except I am funny in real life (sometimes)

I need to write and just don't know where to start. There is no clearer way to understand where my head is than to write it down and read it and try to fix it...often times there is no fix, but that's okay too mostly. I have this fantastic support system that has grown by at least one for sure lately...and she's fabulous even if she doesn't realize it. Trying to scare me off...crazy woman - I'm not easily scared...YEAH NATASHA - looking at you! :)

The quarter is over...I'm about 90% (hah) sure that I actually pulled off straight A's. Which for me is a feat because I am not very in to homework...and there was a LOT from one guy. The other teacher was awesome...although they both forced journaling on us and frankly that wasn't very natural for me. I don't like being TOLD to journal. I do it very occasionally on my blog at my own leisure. If it's forced it sounds and feels forced, but what can ya do? Thankfully the worst is kind of over. I've met some good people, some great ones, and some truly awesome ones. I am grateful to have met each and every one of them. One person in particular...and those of you close to me that I will make sure see this probably know who...that was a professor has taken the time for me. I guess what strikes me most about this person is her (shocker I bonded with another woman who is older than me...I'm sure everyone is so surprised - haha) -- anyway - the thing that strikes me most is the absolute down to earth way she carries herself and the complete compassion that SHINES in her face. I don't trust people with my deep stuff much because I have learned that people feed off the knowing something others don't. They feed off of it and they use it to their advantage. Not all people, but a lot do...especially people my age. Gossip is dangerous. I trust this person and feel "safe" which feels weird for me...I think it maybe feels weird for her that I'm so giddy that she didn't just pull the "hey you were a fun student - good luck - have a nice life - buh bye". She could have and didn't and that makes me happy. She's unknowingly funny. She's already been a hand holder...for HOURS...she told me to "be safe" when I went out. I can't say that I remember the last time someone said that to me. (sorry mom I'm sure you have, but you're mom and I don't listen to you any more than you listen to me) I'll definitely miss laughing with her Mondays -- she made my quarter...there were a couple of people who helped but she truly made it. Another one of the people in my life for whom I would do absolutely anything, that I truly worry about, and that I want to remind all the time how grateful I am and how much they rock. She offered herself as a support without knowing much about me at all...So I think I can safely add her to the list of people to talk to when I'm having a freak out. Except tonight because I feel like everyone is all tapped out with my semi-self-induced drama. I'm tapped out with my own emotional garbage for cryin out loud. It's Christmas. I used to LOVE Christmas. Kate made Christmas a HUGE deal. The house was decked out. It was such a happy time. And now it's just hard. I miss her all of the time. I don't want to, but I do. I'm not sure if I'm just feeling sorry for myself or if it's just the wanting that connection again. I'm so fortunate to have people with whom I am so deeply connected. I'm fortunate that I have people that are so invested in me that they will stay up on facebook with me til all hours, take me to lunch to hash out my stuff, and just hang with me when I need a distraction. I have so many people that make me laugh, but I have only a handful that actually calm me. I feel more grounded and less uptight around them (unless in one particular case they are forcing me into the circle of death - cough, cough). I can see them all in my head. These days unless I am around one of those people or somehow in communication with one of them I feel anxious. It's weird and definitely not me. But the talking and texting and facebooking makes me feel sane. Another thing to be thankful for...temporary sanity! On top of the "Kate stuff" I've had a few other major stresses. I would like for the people directly linked to this to know - they are mostly all solved. Maybe there just isn't enough stress to focus on and now I'm falling back into the weird place. I don't know. I don't care. I want something that isn't going to happen. The Kate stuff will never fall away and it will never not hurt...SUCK...but real. I just have to keep reminding myself to breathe and that I have so many people to help me and to be grateful that they are willing to listen to me. For that I am eternally grateful. Breathe, be grateful, I am loved, it's all good ;)...
XO, J

Good weekend....bad thoughts...

Well the "family" or part of it went to Chico this weekend...while it was a fun weekend it brought up a lot of "stuff". While bringing up "stuff" wouldn't normally be a problem I'm in school...for social work...where they want us to get in touch with our touchy feelies...I.hate.it.

I know that everyone here needs to be able to deal with their shit, but come on...really? You have to bring that shit up in class?

Whatever, it's not just that...Seasonal depression hits about this time every year. I need a beach, a cocktail and a little friggin sunshine.

Not to mention the drama going on around me. I think I'm one of those people that doesn't have enough drama in her own life so everyone else feels a need to pull me into theirs.

AND what is with everyone's shitty attitudes toward me? I'm trying to fucking help...if you don't want my help - QUIT ASKING ME WHAT TO DO! Don't talk to me about your shit....I'm going to have to go into hibernation mode...SHIT

This post is fragmented because, well, I'm pretty fragmented these days...I want my mama Kate...ugh

one with some words and feelings and shit....

Inoperable brain tumor...the words flow through my mind. She died 6 years, 2 months, 10 days ago...that is if my math is correct. I was 20. I was just a baby by most adult standards. Just a fledgling wanna be adult waiting to set the world on it's ear. She was smart and beautiful and funny. She loved me. Our relationship was a complicated one. She was my mother's girlfriend. She was my other mom. She was the mommy that would hold me when I cried. She was the one who would sit up on those long nights with the fevers and vomit. She didn't complain about taking on another kid. She did it gracefully. There was a definite difference in how she treated me and how she treated her biological son. He was spoiled and mean. She herself used to refer to him in some pretty un-motherly terms. He treated her like shit. She didn't deserve that, but she would appease him just to keep the peace. It wasn't worth fighting...he was too far gone. With me she would fight tooth and nail until I understood exactly why things needed to be the way she said. She wanted something more for me. Maybe she saw more potential. I will never know. What I do know is that she came to almost everything from the time I was 11. She was at every play, every concert, almost every rodeo...Every parade, every doctor appointment, most orthodontic appointments. She was there for birthday's and Christmas, Easter and 4th of July. She was there for the first dates, the must have clothes, the need to fit in and be cool. She heard about my first period, my first kiss, and what really happened when my brother kept me out too late at my dad's house. She was my compass and the best friend a girl could want. She made sure I was surrounded by strong women, lots of new ideas, and big words. I can't imagine what I would have been without her. I remember driving with her, shopping with her, swimming with her. She was so present in my life...until she wasn't. An "inoperable brain tumor"...what a crock of shit. Now what? How does a kid move on from that? The only person that never left even when they left...and what the fuck anyway? I'd just lost my gramps the year before who was followed swiftly by her sister...this wasn't fair. I had just seen her in August...She'd come home to clean out a storage unit. She'd made sure that she spent an entire day with just me. She had just talked to me in February. Had just emailed in April. It was the end of May. A month of frantically trying to get a hold of her and that phone call came. It was her number, I think, but it was him. Kevin Dean...the guy with 2 first names that took her away. It was her choice and wasn't his fault but the background makes him kind of an ass...He told me "Kate's gone". Mom was there when I lost my cool. I remember crying and not being able to talk and her needing to know what could possibly cause me to react that way. She was devastated too. They say misery loves company but I would do anything for her not to have to feel this way too. I never got the entire story. I tried to via email but he wanted a phone call. I wouldn't call, nope, COULDN'T call. I couldn't have a stranger tell me what happened to my mommy. It wasn't fair. It shouldn't have had to be that way. Years went by and I never knew the entire story. 5 years in fact. And even then I had to search for someone to tell it. I found Martha. She was like an answered prayer. She told me what happened...and the sting that Kate had died here right downtown...right where I could have been there...It all led to more questions and less answers. It's helped some with the closure, but I'm afraid I will always be just a little bit broken. I'll always have that void that no one could possibly fill...where I keep her tucked in and safe. Right where no one can see her and no one can really see me. The feelings, the hole, the wall...they're indescribable and even if they were no one could understand. Her, the hole and the words "inoperable brain tumor"...always there...always waiting.

My Incredible Niece...

So I haven't been on here to blog much lately...I never do because I have no life and therefore nothing to write about...HOWEVER I was just in Houston, TexasS a couple of weeks ago for the graduation ceremony (in Oklahoma) of one absolutely, positively incredible young woman. That feels weird to type because in my head she's still a little girl that signs her letters "Your Pal, Brittany". My little Brittany Ann graduated from high school.

Here is a short list of a FEW things that make her so incredible (I mean shit people I could go on for days about how amazing my sister and all of her kids are):
1. She's just like her mom (my amazing sister...whom I ADORE)
2. She cares about other people's feelings
3. She loves her Auntie very much -- which also means she has good taste :)
4. She is willing to give up her room, her privacy, her peace and quiet while people are staying with them
5. She was National Honor Society, Valedictorian, and got Beta chords - I'm way more than just a little proud
6. She's smart...like really smart
7. She's good at math
8. She wants to be a Doctor
9. That is after she gets an Engineering Degree
10. She's compassionate
11. She's beautiful (and I'm not just saying so because I'm her Aunt...seriously - kid is gorgeous)
12. She chose moving with her parents and staying together as a family over staying in OK with her friends for her last semester of HS AND she took it VERY VERY well
13. She loves her brother and sister both a lot...and tries to get along with them. I can't say the same for my brother cuz dude's irritatin'
14. She's close with both of her parents
15. She doesn't party even a little and is SO NOT your typical HS student
16. She's never really gotten into trouble
17. She's fun to be around
18. She has wicked wide range tastes in music - much like myself...music sharing anyone!?!
19. She's funny
20. She's my baby niece, my little Brittany and honestly - that is enough

So Brit - I want you to remember...you can do ANYTHING baby girl. You are always enough just the way you are. Don't do anything you aren't ready to do and don't do anything that you aren't ready to deal with ANY consequence that comes out of that action. Don't rely on others to make you happy. Your family is always here. Always. I am just a phone call and a plane ride away should you need me to be there. I am always here to talk no matter what time: day or night. You are an extraordinary young woman and I have NO DOUBT whatsoever that you will be an extraordinary woman for the rest of forever. My very short list doesn't do you a bit of justice...it could be so much longer...but everything there is true. And most of all I love you more than any words can possibly say. You are my little Brittany even though you're not so little anymore (although you are kinda short :P) and you ALWAYS will be, sweet girl.

DUCKFEST!!!!!!!

Okay so here's the deal. The ever hilarious Daffy over at Batcrap Crazy just lost her sister, Wendy, from complications from a brain tumor. To all of my friends and family who read this blog you know that the brain tumor thing hits close to home. I lost my mommy person (not my mom, but my mommy person...it's complicated and over here). However, I was 20. I understood exactly what was going on...Wendy though, left behind a 5-year-old son named JD. JD's dad is going to be a single father and Daffy wants to make sure there is money for him to go to college. Daffy's good shit ya'll - she makes me laugh (almost) every post. So I am going to make and donate a "tie blanket" to the cause. To find out more about the JD Scholarship fun click on Ms. Daffy up there or go here to CheapSkateMom's blog - or here to That One Mom's Blog - or here to Think Tank Momma or like 100 other places. I will post the links under all of this information...but here's a picture of a blanket LIKE the one I will make:














Some of you might recognize this from a previous fundraiser - this blanket is 2 yd x 2 yd - my 2 nieces and nephew (all teens) have them this size - great for a throw or kid - I can do them in any color (within reason I mean come on people) :) ...the woman who ended up with it loved it...so PLEASE donate! Help in anyway you can...if you can only donate $1 or buy a $1 entry please do it anyway! Every single dollar helps to ensure that this little boy gets to go to college.

Here's Cheapskate Mom's rundown of DUCKFEST in her own words - straight from her site:

What is DUCK FEST?

DUCK FEST is a blog party fundraising event to raise money for the JD Scholarship Fund. It runs June 3 - 8 right here in the blogosphere!

How does DUCK FEST work?

By using the McLinky at the bottom of this page, you are able to visit a number of giveaways to raise money for the JD Scholarship Fund. If you find a giveaway you'd like to enter, beginning June 3, you can click on the donate button on that giveaway and donate money for entries. Each entry is $1.00. If you donate $10.00 you have 10 entries to spend however you want. Please follow the PayPal directions for your donation (be sure to leave your blog url in notes for verification!) To enter, leave a comment for each $1.00 donation on the giveaways of your choice!
On June 9, each hosting blog will select their winners using random.org.

How can I participate?

Do you have a skill or talent you'd like to showcase? Do you rub elbows with PR firms, have advertisers or sponsors that would support the cause? You are more than welcome to host a giveaway at your blog! Do you have product you'd like to donate, but don't have an outlet to run a giveaway? We're happy to host it for you! If you'd like to participate, send an email to me - That One Mom at thatonemom.onlyparentchronicles@gmail.com OR to Tamara at cheapskatemom@live.com.

What if I would just like to donate money and not worry about prizes?

That is perfectly fine! Just click on the donate button in the side bar. All donations go directly to the JD Scholarship Fund!

In the meantime, grab a button and spread the word!! Word of mouth is key to making DUCK FEST a success!

<a href="http://proudtobecheap.blogspot.com/2010/05/birds-of-featherflock-together-duck.html"><img src="http://i881.photobucket.com/albums/ac13/CheapskateDesigns/duckfestbutton.png" /></a>

another emotion filled post

somewhere else today...because no one wants to read my incessant whining all the time

It's HERE if you're interested...

Thanks all!

XO, J

Also Lilu - I'm absolutely serious...swing by Montana in route to Vegas and I'll get you absolutely piss ass drunk :)

LTML - May 6th, 2010

Dear person who is sitting in the waiting room,
MAKE A FUCKING APPOINTMENT...I HATE HATE HATE when people just "pop in". I don't care that you've called 5000 times (and yes it is annoying when you do that). Make a fucking appointment and she'll talk to you, otherwise, your mostly shit out of fucking luck! YOU are NOT the center of our universe!
Argh,
Pissed of Assistant

Dear Boss,
Are you trying to get me to quit? I mean seriously? Also, quit doing your own fucking scheduling - you SUCK at it. Seriously.
XO,
I wish the grad school would accept me already

Dear Grad School,
HELP! I'm drowning! You are my out! Just please accept me. I REALLY REALLY want to go to your school. I really want to be a social worker who goes into private practice. I love you all - you are awesome! I can't wait!
Love,
The girl who hopes that kissing your ass even karmicly (new word - yay) speaking works

Dear Montana weather,
I.hate.you. seriously. this is not longer love-hate. It's moved in to just plain detesting...what can I say...you are driving me batshit crazy. REALLY?? Snow? In May? YUCKO! I was just fishing like 2 weeks ago...
Seriously WTH,
Hater of the spring snow storms

Dear Pister,
Sorry my new blog thing was confusing. K and I are full of random. An explanation would have been good. My bad
XO,
The good Pister :)

Dear Stewie,
I totally heart you. Thank you for telling your sister that you think that I'm a neat person. Right back atcha!
XO,
J

Dear K/Summit,
I have a blog here that I'm on...here where I vent...and here with you! WTF am I thinking...I can't even keep up with one! But I'm super excited to blog together anyway!
XO,
J

Dear LiLu,
You're still the shit! Thanks for commenting all the time. I really do owe you a drink!
Always,
The ower of the drinks

Dear Hillbilly Duhn,
IDK you, but you follow 2 out of 3...which makes you a winner :) I love your hilarious antics. You and LiLu are 2 of my favorites!
Thanks,
I probably owe you a drink too

Dear other followers,
Sorry I suck...I would probably write more but I have 3 blogs and still nothing to say. Also, I'm not funny in writing...that's also shitty for you. But thanks for the follow anyway!
My bad,
I'm serious about you coming to Montana for a beer

Holy Shiz...

I can't think of anything to write on the 2 blogs I already have so what did I do? Started a new one with a friend! It's gonna be an interesting ride...thanks for asking me along K!

Check it out HERE

Thanks yo!

XO, J

wow...okay...just wow...and my appologies in advance for the length...

you ever know someone that has had to fight for their rights? I have. I've known a lot of people. As a matter of fact I have a few very close friends that fight for their rights EVERY.SINGLE.DAY...It's call the "gay community". Those of you that have read my other stuff or know me personally know that a) my mother is a lesbian b) I am an activist for equal rights...for not only "the gays" (thanks Kathy Griffin for making me think that's funny) but for everyone c) that I can be very passionate about doing what right and d) that I have a very strong sense of what mom calls "social justice". There are a lot of things in my life that I am proud of, but my ability to seek the truth, try to turn people toward what I feel in my heart and soul is right, and doing my job as a human being to understand that our differences make us special are my biggest accomplishments.

That being said. I am straight...mostly...we think :) haha - my peeps will get that (insert a joke about one of my many "girlfriends" here). I do, however, try to keep up to date on the happenings here in the local "gay community" as well as globally. I'm informed ya'll. So I have a friend, who is a teacher (will call her A), somewhere in the state of MT. Her "partner" (gonna call her B) and I are tight dude...she's like the freakin' shit. I'd also like to add that this couple is the first "gay couple" to adopt JOINTLY in the state. That's right kiddies. These 2 moms are both on the birth certificate. Wrap your mind around it....because we are a RED state... Anyway, I digress, so this friend, B informed me today that A, her teacher "partner" (sorry for no names, but it's not my place) was denied bereavement leave for her (B) father's funeral. This woman is not just B's "partner" but her sons parent. Legally this is A's son's grandfather, regardless of their sexual orientation. Now another party involved is going to be called C. C is also a lesbonin (haha - "Friends" reference...remember that episode? thanks Pister for that reminder). As a matter of fact, C has had to fight for her own rights (again, can't really get into it). C had decided that because of a certain (bullshit excuse) extenuating circumstance she will not help A & B fight for A's rights as a parent and sent her to deal with her bereavement leave with the "higher ups". EVEN after A & B helped her fight for hers....hmmmmm...so it's okay when others are helping you, but when it's time to fight for a global cause now that you're fate has been decided to puss out? Nope...not cool man...

That being said...I think I'd like to express my opinion on C's stance...

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. If you are NOT willing to stand up for your own rights as a gay person don't expect anyone else to either. It has never been easy standing up for what one believes. HOWEVER, what's right is not always easy and what's easy is not always right. These people stood up for you because it was the right thing to do. You now have a choice...do what is right or stick your head in the sand because you are afraid of the repercussions. If you decide not to do what is right above what is safest for yourself don't expect people to stick around. People want friends who are willing to put themselves out there if it's the right thing to do. It is all out chicken shit for you to take the help when it is offered and yet when the tables are turned to run like a scared little puppy with your tail between your legs. I understand that in your job position it is hard to do the right thing. I understand that there could be very big consequences. I understand that it could be very hard to deal with. I would like to remind you though...When you needed the support the most for circumstances that were much harder to deal with...these people were there. They took you in as family. They gave you not only a place to stay, but more importantly their hearts. They expected nothing in return (to a point because frankly when you have friends you do expect some relationship reciprocation...if you say you don't it's a fucking lie). They did expect for you to treat them with dignity and respect and to maybe be willing to help them fight for not only their rights, but YOURS. Put yourself in their shoes. If your father died and your "partner" and parent of your child was told that she could not have bereavement time would you be okay with that or would if piss you off? I know you. I know it would piss you off. What I'm really saying here is grow a fucking set and fight for what's right! Don't piss all over your friends because you're current partner is having issues with an ex...DUDE who the fuck is going to be there if and when shit falls apart during this relationship? Certainly not the person that's walking away.

Moral of the story kids: fight for what you believe in or stfu...you can't have it both ways...if you do have it both ways then you are just a FLAKE. Nobody wants to hang with a flake because you are like your friends or you become like them...If the world is going to change the way you want it to then you have to be willing to make sure it does so...

And then becomes the question...

Can you be friends with people who are of a different thinking? different social group? socioeconomic status? religion? What about education level?

Also, do people tend to follow in their parents footsteps as far as their feelings about higher education? How much does the way you are raised affect the way you feel about higher education or moreover upper level education (Law School, Graduate School, etc.)?

Is the problem here an actual difference or a perceived difference that is more so a difference of thinking pattern?

Okay - so here's the deal...I'm getting a headache from thinking about all of this and would like some opinions if anyone is reading this shiz...

I have a friend - whom I must say I am so very happy doesn't have the internets so she will not be reading this. Said friend is the mother of 3, works at a gas station (nothing wrong with that I used to work there myself frankly, however, definitely a down grade from her old job at Walmart as a dept. manager), and has only a high school education (again not knocking it - my brother does well with just his GED so it's all good - no judgment). She lives with her construction worker boyfriend, swears she going to go to nursing school (we'll see), and acts like they are broke because they can't get a break. I was talking to her the other day and it seemed to me like she was trying to work the system (ya know the foodstamps and shiz). Now what really pissed me off about it was that she seems to think it's okay to do so. I got on her ass about it, but realized that what I say doesn't matter because she's going to say I just don't get how hard it is, blah, blah, blah. I will say I have to hand it to her that I have no idea what it's like to be broke. I have NEVER been truly broke in my life. My mother is an attorney, my father a fireman. I was raised upper-middle class by a battalion chief (my dad), a divorce lawyer (mom), and a therapist (mom's girlfriend Kate...whom I've mentioned). I work for my mom and make good money doing so...well at least good enough. There was a 3 month period where I was working at the gas station and pretty much homeless (I crashed with a co-worker...which is another story), however, I knew that no matter what I would be okay. I made $6.50 an hour, had only my HS education, and really no place to live, but they let me stay rent-free, which is probably one of the reasons I don't hate these people even though everyone says I have every right to do so. I don't have kids, I own my condo, I have a college education, I moved back in with my mom after those 3 months, and I always knew that if worse came to worst I could probably move in with Kate. Why not live with dad you say? Well that's also another story. Anyway, I digress. I don't know what it's like to be divorced with 3 kids, have a shitty job, and an asshole boyfriend. I made different choices for my life than she did. So this friend is talking about working the system and all I can do is get annoyed, tell her is bullshit and if she gets caught she's in deep shit, because the government doesn't look kindly on people fucking them over. Which all got me thinking...what does this mean for our friendship when I get done with grad school? Will we even be able to be friends when I know that I'm paying my taxes so that she can fuck someone else out of that much needed money? The system is there for a reason AND being the Democrat (staunch Democrat) that I am I truly believe that it's a good thing. HOWEVER, the system should be used by those who need it. I know people who are a lot worse off than her who wouldn't dream of touching those resources.

This all got me thinking about the above questions...so anyone?? anyone?? I realize I will probably not get any kind of response, but I really needed to put it out there...thanks all...

Politeness....

So the other day my mom and I ran into each other at the grocery store. We were quite surprised to see that after spending a day together at work we would now be shopping together (cuz ya know great minds think a like). So we do our shopping and go to check out. My mom is polite, she's always very polite even when some rudeness might be in order, but she doesn't make idle chit-chat with people. I on the other hand am a talker. Those who know me know that above all I love to talk and to hear stories. So she checks out first and there are all the customary pleases and thank you's. Then I check out. I do all the pleases and thank yous and what not along with my idle chatter with the lady (I shop at the same spot pretty often so although she probably doesn't remember me - I do remember her). At the end of my time I grab my grocery bags and toss a have a good night or nice night or good one or something of that nature. This prompts my mother to say "You're so nice."....um...okay?....So it's been bugging me...are most people not that nice? And then it dawned on me. People really are RUDE. I worked at a gas station for 4 1/2 years and I should know that I am probably going out of my way to be nice. I try to be patient even when people are pissy. I always tip something even if people are shitty. I like to tell people to have a nice day. It's partially about my upbringing (my parents are both nice people, my mom is definitely more quiet than my dad and I but they are equally kind) and it's partially about my past experience working with the general public. I guess that I can fully remember having shitty days at work and it was MY regulars (yep still refer to them that way - and I actually miss them on a personal level) that helped snap me out of it. They would come in with some crazy story about kids, or dogs, or exes and it would make me smile. Sometimes they would come in and tell me about something shitty that happened to them that day and I would understand that at least my day wasn't THAT shitty. It's nice to know that people can still care about strangers. I certainly do...even when I wish I didn't...which at my job is often...anyway, if anyone ever reads and leaves comments (besides the lovely LiLu - who is a rockstar at commenting - thanks for that btw)...do you have anything to share or add about the politeness or lack thereof in society?? Do you think that it's weird that I do this? (the way my mom said "you're so nice" made me feel like I wasn't normal)

Happy Birthday Gramma

So today is my Gram's like 83rd? b-day and I just wanted to give her a bloggy shout out. It's full of Schmoop (thanks LiLu for the word...no one get pissy that she gets credit - I heard it there first...just sayin') - anywho it's full of schmoop so if you hate sap the skip it!!

My grandmother is a very special and lovely woman. I think what makes an awesome gramma is when EVERY grandchild seems to think they are the favorite. I mean we ALL know that I'm totally the favorite, but all the other kids like to argue with me. Whatever, screw you guys, she just doesn't want to say it cuz it'll hurt your feelers. Seriously though - all kidding aside - my cousins and I have actually argued over this. She is wonderful and I love to listen to her talk about her life, and my (late) gramps's life (RIP gramps), and what it was like when you had to crank a car and find ways to entertain yourself beyond a TV. I mean honestly the woman has led a fascinating life which I will maybe blog about from time to time if I think of it. She's not really old fashioned though. She's come right along with the times. She has the internet, email, and even facebook...how many other 80-yr-old people can you say that about? She is kind, giving, caring, but she can be feisty and protective. Just talk shit about one of my cousins...she'll stick up for them regardless of whether you're right or not because that's her grandkid damnit. I can honestly say I don't remember her ever yelling at us or punishing anyone. She has taught me so many things. She taught me how to sew by hand, how to take the family jokes for what they are...jokes, how to graciously be the butt of the joke (Dr. Laura :), how to be kind to people because you don't know what they might be going through, that life can go on for a long time after you lose the man you loved your entire life, how to hold fast to family, make others feel important, how to work through your marriage difficulties (thanks by the way for setting impossibly high standards...), that you can still be active at 80, that a gramma's love and hugs and kisses and bug picks can make even the shittiest of shit feel okay for even a tiny moment in time, and so many more lessons. She loves her family with everything she has. She's got the patience of a Saint...seriously, if you met some of our family you'd totally understand, and she's the best band-aid giver, boo boo kisser, flu fixer, and broken heart healer to ever have been born.

So here's to my Gramma Dottie...Whose real name is Laura just FYI, not Dot, Dorthy, etc...Happy Birthday to the best Grams ever!! I love you and thank you for all the wonderful gifts you have given me, the lessons you have taught me, and the times you fixed sick when my parents were at work. You are one of my most treasured gifts and certainly one of my very real life heroes. All, all, all of my love...XO, Jesse Jo

I fail...

I suck at this blogging thing...sorry...kinda...which is pretty much a lie

anyway - I blogged over here today

Workin' It Out - also - this is not a fatty blog where I talk about how I'm fat and need to lose weight. No one wants to hear me whine about that. Instead they want to hear me whine about dealing with loss....or maybe not cuz they don't read either of them.

Thanks to those who do!

XO, J

I'm an adult I can get tattoos and say the "f" word if I want to...

just sayin....
okay so I actually got to have an exciting weekend...
My cousin, E, is in the Navy. He is leaving for Boloxi, Mississippi (probably spelled that wrong but who cares) and then Afghanistan. SOOOOOOOO...he threw himself a going away party at a local dive bar. It's a real shit hole, but also ended up being awesome in a way (keep in mind later that it's right next door to a town pump here). So we are at this "party", which btw is just a bunch of random family and friends, and not in a reserved room (hello it's a dive bar). Anyway, Friday at midnight also happened to be the release of New Moon...yeah I'm a nerd. So the family is all getting shitty drunk (except me cuz well after puking last year for 3 days I don't drink). My cousin L. is wasted. Lisa is 45 and doesn't really drink much herself. So Eric, his mom (L.), his dad (A.), his grandfather on mom's side (L. who is my Aunt's ex hubby), and his friends are all wastered. Like falling down drunk. His sister (also A, but we'll call her lil A. for this) is preggo so she's not drinking...essentially she and I and our under drinking age but of gambling age cousin (K.) are the only sober ones after about 11. Anywho, I'm ready to leave, but I'm counting drunks/sober person car holding capabilities and realize there is no way Lil A is getting all these idiots home by herself. I have to stay and help because that's how I roll. AND BOY AM I GLAD I DID! Midnight rolls around and Lil A and I decide we are bored and wtf let's go get "New Moon". I had told the bff, Pister, that I would pick her up a copy anyway. She was extremely excited (like crazy excited) to have a copy. Anyway, Lil A and I leave and that's when the shit hits the fan. I'm going to preface this by saying we were only gone for like 30 minutes tops. So we leave and my cousin E. starts to freak out again about going to a place where shooting him is the aim of some people. Understandable no? So he's upset and his mom (L.) and Dad (A.) take him outside to talk. So he's upset and his dad is giving him a hug and this big (and I mean big - like 6'4") Indian, excuse me, Native American, dude starts to mouth off. He says "Why don't you get a room?" Of course they all do the wtf...and L. says "what did you just say?" Drunk Indian dude, like an idiot, repeats himself....so...They ALL 3 take off after him. They are all 4 drunk as fuck at this point. E. is so drunk he trips over his own feet and falls. A. tries to tackle dude, but falls instead....Not L though - she chases this guy into Town Pump and wails on his ass. L. is 45 and only about 5'4" tall...and she's wailing on this son of a bitch...So Dude is all like "get her off me, call the cops, I'm pressing charges"...and L's response "call the fucking cops, I work for the fucking cops!" Yeah...she's worked dispatch for a while, but probably not her best response. Anywho, cops are called and L barely dodges going to jail...luckily. L at one point afterward tells me she kinda feels bad...my response "fuck that, you just made my year sweetheart, can't feel bad about that!" Booyah - and that is the story of how my cousin wailed on some dude half her age and twice her size!

Friends on a side-note...I have NEVER before gone out with my family....and my friends aren't the "bar fight" type. Just gotta say that it was epic. Thanks for reading...

ltml - Jan 20, 2010

Dear Blog,
I've been neglecting you...oh if only I were more clever or had more fun....boo
Xo, I should just retire from this now

Dear A's baby,
Hang in there until Friday please...your older sister made things difficult for me - you don't need to follow suit.
Thanks, Auntie Coo Coo

Dear Jorge from Yellowstone Country Clerk of Court,
Yep that's right dipshit...I'm totally naming your ass in my blog. Just FYI - you might want to be careful who you talk shit about. Not only is that person that ALLEGEDLY doesn't return your phone calls my boss but she's mom, she's FUCKING AWESOME at her job, and she's the poo (so take a big whiff). If you want to talk shit about her feel free, but know that I will find people to fuck with you just for fun. It's called torture and me likey.
Fuck you...
Sincerely, You're a dumbass

Dear Detectives,
Thank you for finding DNA evidence so that court is delayed and I don't have to be on the Jury. Cuz this shit would not have gone over well with me...(click to read what Jury I would have possibly been on)
No thank you to that crap, Unhappy potential Juror

Dear Yahoo Toolbar,
Fuck off! I hate you - It took me like 3 days and a google search to figure out that you were the cause of my "no right click on firefox" problem.
Argh, Unhappy internet user

Dear readers of this crappy blog,
Anything you want me to tell you? I have nothing to write about. I don't really have any TMI's (lilu style) or anything cool for Memoir Monday (Travis style)....I mostly just suck.
Thanks, Me

Dear old self,
You used to be a good writer in your day...what the fuck happened to you? Where'd ya go?
Not loving it, The new self who wishes to be the old self

Letters to my life - New Year edition

First off - new blog - over HERE - for anyone who cares...

Dear New Year's Eve...
Must you blow every year? WTF...
~Girl who stayed in when she should have been out

Dear Friends...
Really? No one wanted to be fun? Why is everyone so OLD suddenly?
~Quit being fogies ya assholes

Dear Cuzzin...
Sorry I didn't feel like coming out after hours of trying to find someone to go out with...
~Next year I'm callin yo ass first

Dear 2010...
Could you please suck WAY less than 2009...2009 was shitty and should not be repeated.
~thanks...girl who was sick for a huge chunk of last year

Dear guy I've been trying to make booty call...
Why so uninterested all of a sudden? Fucka - I'm trying here...although you don't know that's what I'm doing...so I'll keep pretending I'm interested.
~xo, Girl who's not as innocent as everyone thinks

Dear Pister and well other people who know me...
Shocked by that last one? Me too a little bit...and NO I will not talk to you about it...except you pister...maybe I will talk to you about it as long as you don't pull your "20 questions" bullshit. That's just gonna piss me off...I will give you as much info as I want, don't push it please.
~Love, the girl who is really not that girl

Dear people reading this thinking I'm bitchy....
Yes I am thanks...but she knows...
~Always the bitch

Dear USA Network...
Law and Order SVU marathon...yes please...thanksomuch!
~Straight girls love Mariska too

Dear TRUCK,
Please start you fucking piece of shit. At least long enough for me to move you over 6 inches...
~yeah - I fucking hate you

Dear Readers and bloggers,
Happy New Year...May all of your blog entertain me. I mean may it fucking rock! And long may you all rave!
~All the love I can muster, J