January 13, 2011

27th B-day reflection....

So today I turned 27...actually really it will be in like 2 hrs...but same difference - ha

Gotta admit - 27 was a little scary. 25 was bad but 2-mother effin-7!?!? WOW! However, after going over and over all of the things in my life that I was supposed to have done by 27 I realized that I'm where I need, and frankly, WANT to be right now. No matter what I may have changed all of the bad shit that has happened in my life would have still happened. Those life-altering, mind blowing, heart breaking things that have happen...well most of them (or all) have been completely out side of my range of "shit Jesse can control". No matter what Kate would have died, Gramps would have died, BG would have died, Uncle Neil and Josh would have died, I would have still found Sandy and Steven to fuck up my world, I would have struggled with things just like everyone does. So many of the things that have happened I had little control over. So say things went as planned. I went to Rocky right after HS, graduated, went to California for grad/law school...what would that look like for me now? Then I realized all of the things I wouldn't know, the shit that wouldn't have happened, and MOST importantly the people I would have missed out on. Kate left when I was in HS and with her she took a few people. Since HS I have met some of the MOST FABULOUS people in the world. Had I done what I planned I wouldn't know SO many of the wonderful people that fill my little world with so much LOVE and absolute JOY. I might not have reconnect with Martha and Liz. Maybe I wouldn't know Kelly, Denise, Morggan, Jordie, Becky, Shelley, Andrea, and the courthouse ladies...Or Shelly, Rion, Mitchell, and Nick....who knows how close I'd be with Ana and my little babies...And what about Natasha and her family...fuck can't even imagine...weird...fuck I'd be lost without any of these people. I wouldn't be me. I'm sure I would have found people to be with, but who? It definitely wouldn't be these wonderful people. It's seriously disheartening to imagine my life without any of them. Without those people or Kara, Mirandy, Stacy, Ash, Natalie...SO many people. I would trade some experiences for different ones, but ONLY on the condition that I had all of these wonderful, beautiful people in my life...I am so grateful and blessed. There's a Shel Silverstein poem about "what if's" that Kate gave to me when I was little...It's a child asking all of these "what if" questions. I can ask the what if's but they aren't so. What is just is. I am where I am supposed to be. I am so very extraordinarily lucky to have my life and my FAMILY of choice. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me...to thank each and every person who has loved me would take an eternity. To say the words that I feel in my heart would be impossible. This birthday I am feeling so LUCKY and GRATEFUL. I am so very, very blessed to have each and everyone of these people in my life. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

December 24, 2010


So many people are saying that 2010 was horrible for them. While it wasn't the best year I've ever had it's definitely not the worst! This year actually has had some pretty awesome stuff. I survived another year - always a plus ;), I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up (I hope), I got into grad school, and my beautiful niece graduated from high school (and started college and got straight A's for her first semester). Most importantly I kept in touch with old friends and managed to make some new ones. I started the year off with a birthday...and I can't even remember what it looked like except that there was a cake that looked like it was on fire. I'm pretty sure this is the year that I was told that I was a consideration if something happened to a little guys parents of where he may need to go (very flattered Kellie and Denise - thank you for your trust and friendship). I learned this year that it feels better just to make a decision and go for it than to sit and think about it forever (therapist v lawyer - the big debate). I learned that Texas is seriously effin hot in June ;) lol. I learned that my family of choice is never far away (I probably knew that, but it still seems important). I also learned that my family of choice is different than mom's, but that we both would do anything for each others family of choice as well. I learned that I can keep a friend even when I am confronting them with some harsh alternatives. I learned that it is possible to just know that you can trust someone you don't know well. I learned that teenagers are difficult (I knew this too, but I didn't realize how difficult). I realized that it is my own fault that people only see me in a certain way. I realized that I am not comfortable showing my weaknesses to people that I don't trust to take care of my heart. I learned that I CAN show that side to some people and know that they won't screw me over. It's taken me a long time to get back there, but I'm working on it. It's hard to remember that not everyone is going to screw you over in the end sometimes. I've learned that people can be gone for a long time and still come back and love you as much as the last time you saw them. I've learned that I can do well when I try. I've learned that life is hard, but if you surround yourself with the right people they will try to make you laugh until it seems a little less hard and a LOT less lonely. I have learned that some people are REALLY stubborn, but that doesn't EVER stop me from trying (yeah you know it's about you...lol). I've learned that some people just are who they are and there's no use trying to figure them out. Waste.of.time... I've learned that grief is really shitty and screwed up and there is no "right" way to do it AND unfortunately, there is no time frame for when things quit sucking. I've learned that I do not see me the way others see me. I am a lot harder on myself...I am my own harshest critic. I've learned that I'm sometimes seen as "superhuman" because I make choices that would be hard for other people. I know that I am very human...I've just made different less noticeable mistakes. I've realized that professionals have a really high bar that they are expected to rise to and that people often put them so high up that when they do make a mistake everyone panics...even though it's just them being human. I've learned a lot more this year, but the distractions just got me off track so let's get to what I'm grateful for...
I am grateful for my family of choice.
I am grateful for my family of choice...I know I said it twice but I'm super grateful for these people.
I am grateful that grad school introduced me to some seriously awesome people.
I am grateful that I live in a country where men and women voluntarily risk their lives for me everyday...the military, the police dept, the firemen and women, the emt workers, etc
I am grateful that I live in a country where I will (unless they are violating my rights) be allowed to voice my opinion as much and as loudly as I want.
I am grateful that we are making progress in so many areas of our world...from gay rights to disease.
I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, a job, food, family, and my comforts...they are NEVER a guarantee.
I am grateful that I always have someone to turn to in my times of hardship...it's hard to ask for help sometimes but good to know it's always there.
I am grateful for love. All of the love that surrounds me each and everyday.
I am grateful that "my" God has given me the things I've needed most at the times when I have needed them...whether it be a friend on facebook in the middle of the night (Martha and Natasha - thank you both) or a kind stranger to help me when I run out of gas (mom's fault ;) lol).
I am grateful that I am surrounded by lovely, kind, funny, witty, smart, wonderful, awesome, and loving people every.single.day.
I am loved and for THAT I will always be eternally grateful.

Thank you to everyone who has made this year what it was...the good, the bad, the ugly ;) -- No matter what I am GRATEFUL that I got to spend this year with all of you, surrounded by all of your love.

December 19, 2010

I'm still whiny...and not funny...except I am funny in real life (sometimes)

I need to write and just don't know where to start. There is no clearer way to understand where my head is than to write it down and read it and try to fix it...often times there is no fix, but that's okay too mostly. I have this fantastic support system that has grown by at least one for sure lately...and she's fabulous even if she doesn't realize it. Trying to scare me off...crazy woman - I'm not easily scared...YEAH NATASHA - looking at you! :)

The quarter is over...I'm about 90% (hah) sure that I actually pulled off straight A's. Which for me is a feat because I am not very in to homework...and there was a LOT from one guy. The other teacher was awesome...although they both forced journaling on us and frankly that wasn't very natural for me. I don't like being TOLD to journal. I do it very occasionally on my blog at my own leisure. If it's forced it sounds and feels forced, but what can ya do? Thankfully the worst is kind of over. I've met some good people, some great ones, and some truly awesome ones. I am grateful to have met each and every one of them. One person in particular...and those of you close to me that I will make sure see this probably know who...that was a professor has taken the time for me. I guess what strikes me most about this person is her (shocker I bonded with another woman who is older than me...I'm sure everyone is so surprised - haha) -- anyway - the thing that strikes me most is the absolute down to earth way she carries herself and the complete compassion that SHINES in her face. I don't trust people with my deep stuff much because I have learned that people feed off the knowing something others don't. They feed off of it and they use it to their advantage. Not all people, but a lot do...especially people my age. Gossip is dangerous. I trust this person and feel "safe" which feels weird for me...I think it maybe feels weird for her that I'm so giddy that she didn't just pull the "hey you were a fun student - good luck - have a nice life - buh bye". She could have and didn't and that makes me happy. She's unknowingly funny. She's already been a hand holder...for HOURS...she told me to "be safe" when I went out. I can't say that I remember the last time someone said that to me. (sorry mom I'm sure you have, but you're mom and I don't listen to you any more than you listen to me) I'll definitely miss laughing with her Mondays -- she made my quarter...there were a couple of people who helped but she truly made it. Another one of the people in my life for whom I would do absolutely anything, that I truly worry about, and that I want to remind all the time how grateful I am and how much they rock. She offered herself as a support without knowing much about me at all...So I think I can safely add her to the list of people to talk to when I'm having a freak out. Except tonight because I feel like everyone is all tapped out with my semi-self-induced drama. I'm tapped out with my own emotional garbage for cryin out loud. It's Christmas. I used to LOVE Christmas. Kate made Christmas a HUGE deal. The house was decked out. It was such a happy time. And now it's just hard. I miss her all of the time. I don't want to, but I do. I'm not sure if I'm just feeling sorry for myself or if it's just the wanting that connection again. I'm so fortunate to have people with whom I am so deeply connected. I'm fortunate that I have people that are so invested in me that they will stay up on facebook with me til all hours, take me to lunch to hash out my stuff, and just hang with me when I need a distraction. I have so many people that make me laugh, but I have only a handful that actually calm me. I feel more grounded and less uptight around them (unless in one particular case they are forcing me into the circle of death - cough, cough). I can see them all in my head. These days unless I am around one of those people or somehow in communication with one of them I feel anxious. It's weird and definitely not me. But the talking and texting and facebooking makes me feel sane. Another thing to be thankful for...temporary sanity! On top of the "Kate stuff" I've had a few other major stresses. I would like for the people directly linked to this to know - they are mostly all solved. Maybe there just isn't enough stress to focus on and now I'm falling back into the weird place. I don't know. I don't care. I want something that isn't going to happen. The Kate stuff will never fall away and it will never not hurt...SUCK...but real. I just have to keep reminding myself to breathe and that I have so many people to help me and to be grateful that they are willing to listen to me. For that I am eternally grateful. Breathe, be grateful, I am loved, it's all good ;)...

November 8, 2010

Good weekend....bad thoughts...

Well the "family" or part of it went to Chico this weekend...while it was a fun weekend it brought up a lot of "stuff". While bringing up "stuff" wouldn't normally be a problem I'm in school...for social work...where they want us to get in touch with our touchy feelies...I.hate.it.

I know that everyone here needs to be able to deal with their shit, but come on...really? You have to bring that shit up in class?

Whatever, it's not just that...Seasonal depression hits about this time every year. I need a beach, a cocktail and a little friggin sunshine.

Not to mention the drama going on around me. I think I'm one of those people that doesn't have enough drama in her own life so everyone else feels a need to pull me into theirs.

AND what is with everyone's shitty attitudes toward me? I'm trying to fucking help...if you don't want my help - QUIT ASKING ME WHAT TO DO! Don't talk to me about your shit....I'm going to have to go into hibernation mode...SHIT

This post is fragmented because, well, I'm pretty fragmented these days...I want my mama Kate...ugh

August 9, 2010

one with some words and feelings and shit....

Inoperable brain tumor...the words flow through my mind. She died 6 years, 2 months, 10 days ago...that is if my math is correct. I was 20. I was just a baby by most adult standards. Just a fledgling wanna be adult waiting to set the world on it's ear. She was smart and beautiful and funny. She loved me. Our relationship was a complicated one. She was my mother's girlfriend. She was my other mom. She was the mommy that would hold me when I cried. She was the one who would sit up on those long nights with the fevers and vomit. She didn't complain about taking on another kid. She did it gracefully. There was a definite difference in how she treated me and how she treated her biological son. He was spoiled and mean. She herself used to refer to him in some pretty un-motherly terms. He treated her like shit. She didn't deserve that, but she would appease him just to keep the peace. It wasn't worth fighting...he was too far gone. With me she would fight tooth and nail until I understood exactly why things needed to be the way she said. She wanted something more for me. Maybe she saw more potential. I will never know. What I do know is that she came to almost everything from the time I was 11. She was at every play, every concert, almost every rodeo...Every parade, every doctor appointment, most orthodontic appointments. She was there for birthday's and Christmas, Easter and 4th of July. She was there for the first dates, the must have clothes, the need to fit in and be cool. She heard about my first period, my first kiss, and what really happened when my brother kept me out too late at my dad's house. She was my compass and the best friend a girl could want. She made sure I was surrounded by strong women, lots of new ideas, and big words. I can't imagine what I would have been without her. I remember driving with her, shopping with her, swimming with her. She was so present in my life...until she wasn't. An "inoperable brain tumor"...what a crock of shit. Now what? How does a kid move on from that? The only person that never left even when they left...and what the fuck anyway? I'd just lost my gramps the year before who was followed swiftly by her sister...this wasn't fair. I had just seen her in August...She'd come home to clean out a storage unit. She'd made sure that she spent an entire day with just me. She had just talked to me in February. Had just emailed in April. It was the end of May. A month of frantically trying to get a hold of her and that phone call came. It was her number, I think, but it was him. Kevin Dean...the guy with 2 first names that took her away. It was her choice and wasn't his fault but the background makes him kind of an ass...He told me "Kate's gone". Mom was there when I lost my cool. I remember crying and not being able to talk and her needing to know what could possibly cause me to react that way. She was devastated too. They say misery loves company but I would do anything for her not to have to feel this way too. I never got the entire story. I tried to via email but he wanted a phone call. I wouldn't call, nope, COULDN'T call. I couldn't have a stranger tell me what happened to my mommy. It wasn't fair. It shouldn't have had to be that way. Years went by and I never knew the entire story. 5 years in fact. And even then I had to search for someone to tell it. I found Martha. She was like an answered prayer. She told me what happened...and the sting that Kate had died here right downtown...right where I could have been there...It all led to more questions and less answers. It's helped some with the closure, but I'm afraid I will always be just a little bit broken. I'll always have that void that no one could possibly fill...where I keep her tucked in and safe. Right where no one can see her and no one can really see me. The feelings, the hole, the wall...they're indescribable and even if they were no one could understand. Her, the hole and the words "inoperable brain tumor"...always there...always waiting.