April 18, 2009

Return to Life by Miguel Angel Ruiz

This a poem that Kate once gave to me. It took on new meaning when I was finally able to "talk" to her best friend and find out the entire story behind her (Kate) death. I will miss you eternally Mama Kate, but I am grateful for the kindness of your friend(s). Thank you for picking such special people to share with me. I will miss you every day of my life, but at least now I can mend the hole...

I waken
and nothing is the same.
For the first time,
I open my eyes,
These eyes of mine
I long believed could see
and find that all I knew as true
was nothing but a false dream.

Then, like a radiant star,
The Angel of Death,
The Angel of Life became
And transformed my dream
From a dream of fear,
To a joyful comedy.

So surprised, I ask the Angel,
"Am I dead?"
She replies,
"Yes, for these many years, though your heart beat on,
Your mind slept in the grave illusion
Unconscious of you Divinity.:

"Now, with heart beating,
And body breathing,
Your mind has wakened from hell,
Renewed, your eyes
Admire the beauty awaiting you."

"Your divine awareness awakens
All the love in your being.
Hating and fearing forsaken,
Gone are the guilt and the blame.
Your soul forgives,
Your Divinity Lives."

My eyes, in fascination
Stare at the Angel
Sensing the truth waking in me.
I surrender, willingly,
Without condition.
Humbly receiving
Death and Life,
To Hell, I release all claim
And with new eyes,
See my eternal love...leaving

April 1, 2009

The shit show called my illness...

So is it just me or do doctors not seem to care what you tell them? I hate doctors and now I'm remembering why. I went to the doctor he ran a bunch of tests, put me on some really really expensive medication, and now is like well keep taking the medication even if it's making things worse. It's giving me nightmares, insomnia, and making the nausea I've had worse. I talked to his nurse and asked if there is a reason they have me on an acid reducer and she was like well it doesn't really say and that the doctor said that if I didn't want to take it I didn't have to. So my question is why did they even bother to put me on that after my endoscopy -- wouldn't they have seen if my stomach was making excess acid?? Maybe I wouldn't be so confused if ANYONE there could explain the results to me. So now I still feel like crap - have spent thousands of dollars I don't have - and still have no answers - yay me...I have a call into my regular physician who is actually a PA not a DR but at least she's semi-helpful and willing to listen to me!