tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46683295998502786272024-02-07T10:06:43.915-07:00Whatever...I'm no fun anywayI'm also not funny...sorry for thatXO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-52253973770783972972011-01-13T14:12:00.002-07:002011-01-13T14:28:50.301-07:0027th B-day reflection....So today I turned 27...actually really it will be in like 2 hrs...but same difference - ha<br /><br />Gotta admit - 27 was a little scary. 25 was bad but 2-mother effin-7!?!? WOW! However, after going over and over all of the things in my life that I was supposed to have done by 27 I realized that I'm where I need, and frankly, WANT to be right now. No matter what I may have changed all of the bad shit that has happened in my life would have still happened. Those life-altering, mind blowing, heart breaking things that have happen...well most of them (or all) have been completely out side of my range of "shit Jesse can control". No matter what Kate would have died, Gramps would have died, BG would have died, Uncle Neil and Josh would have died, I would have still found Sandy and Steven to fuck up my world, I would have struggled with things just like everyone does. So many of the things that have happened I had little control over. So say things went as planned. I went to Rocky right after HS, graduated, went to California for grad/law school...what would that look like for me now? Then I realized all of the things I wouldn't know, the shit that wouldn't have happened, and MOST importantly the people I would have missed out on. Kate left when I was in HS and with her she took a few people. Since HS I have met some of the MOST FABULOUS people in the world. Had I done what I planned I wouldn't know SO many of the wonderful people that fill my little world with so much LOVE and absolute JOY. I might not have reconnect with Martha and Liz. Maybe I wouldn't know Kelly, Denise, Morggan, Jordie, Becky, Shelley, Andrea, and the courthouse ladies...Or Shelly, Rion, Mitchell, and Nick....who knows how close I'd be with Ana and my little babies...And what about Natasha and her family...fuck can't even imagine...weird...fuck I'd be lost without any of these people. I wouldn't be me. I'm sure I would have found people to be with, but who? It definitely wouldn't be these wonderful people. It's seriously disheartening to imagine my life without any of them. Without those people or Kara, Mirandy, Stacy, Ash, Natalie...SO many people. I would trade some experiences for different ones, but ONLY on the condition that I had all of these wonderful, beautiful people in my life...I am so grateful and blessed. There's a Shel Silverstein poem about "what if's" that Kate gave to me when I was little...It's a child asking all of these "what if" questions. I can ask the what if's but they aren't so. What is just is. I am where I am supposed to be. I am so very extraordinarily lucky to have my life and my FAMILY of choice. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me...to thank each and every person who has loved me would take an eternity. To say the words that I feel in my heart would be impossible. This birthday I am feeling so LUCKY and GRATEFUL. I am so very, very blessed to have each and everyone of these people in my life. I am the luckiest girl in the world.XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-61866736666905741352010-12-24T09:14:00.002-07:002010-12-24T10:26:56.560-07:002010...So many people are saying that 2010 was horrible for them. While it wasn't the best year I've ever had it's definitely not the worst! This year actually has had some pretty awesome stuff. I survived another year - always a plus ;), I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up (I hope), I got into grad school, and my beautiful niece graduated from high school (and started college and got straight A's for her first semester). Most importantly I kept in touch with old friends and managed to make some new ones. I started the year off with a birthday...and I can't even remember what it looked like except that there was a cake that looked like it was on fire. I'm pretty sure this is the year that I was told that I was a consideration if something happened to a little guys parents of where he may need to go (very flattered Kellie and Denise - thank you for your trust and friendship). I learned this year that it feels better just to make a decision and go for it than to sit and think about it forever (therapist v lawyer - the big debate). I learned that Texas is seriously effin hot in June ;) lol. I learned that my family of choice is never far away (I probably knew that, but it still seems important). I also learned that my family of choice is different than mom's, but that we both would do anything for each others family of choice as well. I learned that I can keep a friend even when I am confronting them with some harsh alternatives. I learned that it is possible to just know that you can trust someone you don't know well. I learned that teenagers are difficult (I knew this too, but I didn't realize how difficult). I realized that it is my own fault that people only see me in a certain way. I realized that I am not comfortable showing my weaknesses to people that I don't trust to take care of my heart. I learned that I CAN show that side to some people and know that they won't screw me over. It's taken me a long time to get back there, but I'm working on it. It's hard to remember that not everyone is going to screw you over in the end sometimes. I've learned that people can be gone for a long time and still come back and love you as much as the last time you saw them. I've learned that I can do well when I try. I've learned that life is hard, but if you surround yourself with the right people they will try to make you laugh until it seems a little less hard and a LOT less lonely. I have learned that some people are REALLY stubborn, but that doesn't EVER stop me from trying (yeah you know it's about you...lol). I've learned that some people just are who they are and there's no use trying to figure them out. Waste.of.time... I've learned that grief is really shitty and screwed up and there is no "right" way to do it AND unfortunately, there is no time frame for when things quit sucking. I've learned that I do not see me the way others see me. I am a lot harder on myself...I am my own harshest critic. I've learned that I'm sometimes seen as "superhuman" because I make choices that would be hard for other people. I know that I am very human...I've just made different less noticeable mistakes. I've realized that professionals have a really high bar that they are expected to rise to and that people often put them so high up that when they do make a mistake everyone panics...even though it's just them being human. I've learned a lot more this year, but the distractions just got me off track so let's get to what I'm grateful for...<br />I am grateful for my family of choice.<br />I am grateful for my family of choice...I know I said it twice but I'm super grateful for these people.<br />I am grateful that grad school introduced me to some seriously awesome people.<br />I am grateful that I live in a country where men and women voluntarily risk their lives for me everyday...the military, the police dept, the firemen and women, the emt workers, etc<br />I am grateful that I live in a country where I will (unless they are violating my rights) be allowed to voice my opinion as much and as loudly as I want.<br />I am grateful that we are making progress in so many areas of our world...from gay rights to disease.<br />I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, a job, food, family, and my comforts...they are NEVER a guarantee.<br />I am grateful that I always have someone to turn to in my times of hardship...it's hard to ask for help sometimes but good to know it's always there.<br />I am grateful for love. All of the love that surrounds me each and everyday.<br />I am grateful that "my" God has given me the things I've needed most at the times when I have needed them...whether it be a friend on facebook in the middle of the night (Martha and Natasha - thank you both) or a kind stranger to help me when I run out of gas (mom's fault ;) lol).<br />I am grateful that I am surrounded by lovely, kind, funny, witty, smart, wonderful, awesome, and loving people every.single.day.<br />I am loved and for THAT I will always be eternally grateful.<br /><br />Thank you to everyone who has made this year what it was...the good, the bad, the ugly ;) -- No matter what I am GRATEFUL that I got to spend this year with all of you, surrounded by all of your love.XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-73607430389197874362010-12-19T19:05:00.002-07:002010-12-19T19:48:00.521-07:00I'm still whiny...and not funny...except I am funny in real life (sometimes)I need to write and just don't know where to start. There is no clearer way to understand where my head is than to write it down and read it and try to fix it...often times there is no fix, but that's okay too mostly. I have this fantastic support system that has grown by at least one for sure lately...and she's fabulous even if she doesn't realize it. Trying to scare me off...crazy woman - I'm not easily scared...YEAH NATASHA - looking at you! :)<br /><br />The quarter is over...I'm about 90% (hah) sure that I actually pulled off straight A's. Which for me is a feat because I am not very in to homework...and there was a LOT from one guy. The other teacher was awesome...although they both forced journaling on us and frankly that wasn't very natural for me. I don't like being TOLD to journal. I do it very occasionally on my blog at my own leisure. If it's forced it sounds and feels forced, but what can ya do? Thankfully the worst is kind of over. I've met some good people, some great ones, and some truly awesome ones. I am grateful to have met each and every one of them. One person in particular...and those of you close to me that I will make sure see this probably know who...that was a professor has taken the time for me. I guess what strikes me most about this person is her (shocker I bonded with another woman who is older than me...I'm sure everyone is so surprised - haha) -- anyway - the thing that strikes me most is the absolute down to earth way she carries herself and the complete compassion that SHINES in her face. I don't trust people with my deep stuff much because I have learned that people feed off the knowing something others don't. They feed off of it and they use it to their advantage. Not all people, but a lot do...especially people my age. Gossip is dangerous. I trust this person and feel "safe" which feels weird for me...I think it maybe feels weird for her that I'm so giddy that she didn't just pull the "hey you were a fun student - good luck - have a nice life - buh bye". She could have and didn't and that makes me happy. She's unknowingly funny. She's already been a hand holder...for HOURS...she told me to "be safe" when I went out. I can't say that I remember the last time someone said that to me. (sorry mom I'm sure you have, but you're mom and I don't listen to you any more than you listen to me) I'll definitely miss laughing with her Mondays -- she made my quarter...there were a couple of people who helped but she truly made it. Another one of the people in my life for whom I would do absolutely anything, that I truly worry about, and that I want to remind all the time how grateful I am and how much they rock. She offered herself as a support without knowing much about me at all...So I think I can safely add her to the list of people to talk to when I'm having a freak out. Except tonight because I feel like everyone is all tapped out with my semi-self-induced drama. I'm tapped out with my own emotional garbage for cryin out loud. It's Christmas. I used to LOVE Christmas. Kate made Christmas a HUGE deal. The house was decked out. It was such a happy time. And now it's just hard. I miss her all of the time. I don't want to, but I do. I'm not sure if I'm just feeling sorry for myself or if it's just the wanting that connection again. I'm so fortunate to have people with whom I am so deeply connected. I'm fortunate that I have people that are so invested in me that they will stay up on facebook with me til all hours, take me to lunch to hash out my stuff, and just hang with me when I need a distraction. I have so many people that make me laugh, but I have only a handful that actually calm me. I feel more grounded and less uptight around them (unless in one particular case they are forcing me into the circle of death - cough, cough). I can see them all in my head. These days unless I am around one of those people or somehow in communication with one of them I feel anxious. It's weird and definitely not me. But the talking and texting and facebooking makes me feel sane. Another thing to be thankful for...temporary sanity! On top of the "Kate stuff" I've had a few other major stresses. I would like for the people directly linked to this to know - they are mostly all solved. Maybe there just isn't enough stress to focus on and now I'm falling back into the weird place. I don't know. I don't care. I want something that isn't going to happen. The Kate stuff will never fall away and it will never not hurt...SUCK...but real. I just have to keep reminding myself to breathe and that I have so many people to help me and to be grateful that they are willing to listen to me. For that I am eternally grateful. Breathe, be grateful, I am loved, it's all good ;)...<br />XO, JXO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-24251999405063125942010-11-08T13:47:00.003-07:002010-11-08T15:42:55.059-07:00Good weekend....bad thoughts...Well the "family" or part of it went to Chico this weekend...while it was a fun weekend it brought up a lot of "stuff". While bringing up "stuff" wouldn't normally be a problem I'm in school...for social work...where they want us to get in touch with our touchy feelies...I.hate.it.<br /><br />I know that everyone here needs to be able to deal with their shit, but come on...really? You have to bring that shit up in class?<br /><br />Whatever, it's not just that...Seasonal depression hits about this time every year. I need a beach, a cocktail and a little friggin sunshine.<br /><br />Not to mention the drama going on around me. I think I'm one of those people that doesn't have enough drama in her own life so everyone else feels a need to pull me into theirs. <br /><br />AND what is with everyone's shitty attitudes toward me? I'm trying to fucking help...if you don't want my help - QUIT ASKING ME WHAT TO DO! Don't talk to me about your shit....I'm going to have to go into hibernation mode...SHIT<br /><br />This post is fragmented because, well, I'm pretty fragmented these days...I want my mama Kate...ughXO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-12973765195355968982010-08-09T01:04:00.002-06:002010-08-09T01:26:56.415-06:00one with some words and feelings and shit....Inoperable brain tumor...the words flow through my mind. She died 6 years, 2 months, 10 days ago...that is if my math is correct. I was 20. I was just a baby by most adult standards. Just a fledgling wanna be adult waiting to set the world on it's ear. She was smart and beautiful and funny. She loved me. Our relationship was a complicated one. She was my mother's girlfriend. She was my other mom. She was the mommy that would hold me when I cried. She was the one who would sit up on those long nights with the fevers and vomit. She didn't complain about taking on another kid. She did it gracefully. There was a definite difference in how she treated me and how she treated her biological son. He was spoiled and mean. She herself used to refer to him in some pretty un-motherly terms. He treated her like shit. She didn't deserve that, but she would appease him just to keep the peace. It wasn't worth fighting...he was too far gone. With me she would fight tooth and nail until I understood exactly why things needed to be the way she said. She wanted something more for me. Maybe she saw more potential. I will never know. What I do know is that she came to almost everything from the time I was 11. She was at every play, every concert, almost every rodeo...Every parade, every doctor appointment, most orthodontic appointments. She was there for birthday's and Christmas, Easter and 4th of July. She was there for the first dates, the must have clothes, the need to fit in and be cool. She heard about my first period, my first kiss, and what really happened when my brother kept me out too late at my dad's house. She was my compass and the best friend a girl could want. She made sure I was surrounded by strong women, lots of new ideas, and big words. I can't imagine what I would have been without her. I remember driving with her, shopping with her, swimming with her. She was so present in my life...until she wasn't. An "inoperable brain tumor"...what a crock of shit. Now what? How does a kid move on from that? The only person that never left even when they left...and what the fuck anyway? I'd just lost my gramps the year before who was followed swiftly by her sister...this wasn't fair. I had just seen her in August...She'd come home to clean out a storage unit. She'd made sure that she spent an entire day with just me. She had just talked to me in February. Had just emailed in April. It was the end of May. A month of frantically trying to get a hold of her and that phone call came. It was her number, I think, but it was him. Kevin Dean...the guy with 2 first names that took her away. It was her choice and wasn't his fault but the background makes him kind of an ass...He told me "Kate's gone". Mom was there when I lost my cool. I remember crying and not being able to talk and her needing to know what could possibly cause me to react that way. She was devastated too. They say misery loves company but I would do anything for her not to have to feel this way too. I never got the entire story. I tried to via email but he wanted a phone call. I wouldn't call, nope, COULDN'T call. I couldn't have a stranger tell me what happened to my mommy. It wasn't fair. It shouldn't have had to be that way. Years went by and I never knew the entire story. 5 years in fact. And even then I had to search for someone to tell it. I found Martha. She was like an answered prayer. She told me what happened...and the sting that Kate had died here right downtown...right where I could have been there...It all led to more questions and less answers. It's helped some with the closure, but I'm afraid I will always be just a little bit broken. I'll always have that void that no one could possibly fill...where I keep her tucked in and safe. Right where no one can see her and no one can really see me. The feelings, the hole, the wall...they're indescribable and even if they were no one could understand. Her, the hole and the words "inoperable brain tumor"...always there...always waiting.XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-52133294174057574372010-06-09T14:12:00.004-06:002010-06-09T14:36:36.130-06:00My Incredible Niece...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzbCzTMpH1J9EdRvqPzxNJLDmRx9bEpRjwsYaqsuF7lqE4z4L6LXt_BVhKZT3qI3oWFopCrcWt7W6L7IniGIcsEzrGYfQtu-i_kBNnaS7v0owys_82_Qlj6bF9Yh4x82ewAQLQv8NIdN3P/s1600/30611_1291673935769_1347870774_30658013_7424641_n.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 133px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzbCzTMpH1J9EdRvqPzxNJLDmRx9bEpRjwsYaqsuF7lqE4z4L6LXt_BVhKZT3qI3oWFopCrcWt7W6L7IniGIcsEzrGYfQtu-i_kBNnaS7v0owys_82_Qlj6bF9Yh4x82ewAQLQv8NIdN3P/s200/30611_1291673935769_1347870774_30658013_7424641_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5480875460670559522" border="0" /></a><br />So I haven't been on here to blog much lately...I never do because I have no life and therefore nothing to write about...HOWEVER I was just in Houston, TexasS a couple of weeks ago for the graduation ceremony (in Oklahoma) of one absolutely, positively incredible young woman. That feels weird to type because in my head she's still a little girl that signs her letters "Your Pal, Brittany". My little Brittany Ann graduated from high school.<br /><br />Here is a short list of a FEW things that make her so incredible (I mean shit people I could go on for days about how amazing my sister and all of her kids are):<br />1. She's just like her mom (my amazing sister...whom I ADORE)<br />2. She cares about other people's feelings<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">3. She loves her Auntie very much</span> -- which also means she has good taste :)<br />4. She is willing to give up her room, her privacy, her peace and quiet while people are staying with them<br />5. She was National Honor Society, Valedictorian, and got Beta chords - I'm way more than just a little proud<br />6. She's smart...like really smart<br />7. She's good at math<br />8. She wants to be a Doctor<br />9. That is after she gets an Engineering Degree<br />10. She's compassionate<br />11. She's beautiful (and I'm not just saying so because I'm her Aunt...seriously - kid is gorgeous)<br />12. She chose moving with her parents and staying together as a family over staying in OK with her friends for her last semester of HS AND she took it VERY VERY well<br />13. She loves her brother and sister both a lot...and tries to get along with them. I can't say the same for my brother cuz dude's irritatin'<br />14. She's close with both of her parents<br />15. She doesn't party even a little and is SO NOT your typical HS student<br />16. She's never really gotten into trouble<br />17. She's fun to be around<br />18. She has wicked wide range tastes in music - much like myself...music sharing anyone!?!<br />19. She's funny<br />20. She's my baby niece, my little Brittany and honestly - that is enough<br /><br />So Brit - I want you to remember...you can do ANYTHING baby girl. You are always enough just the way you are. Don't do anything you aren't ready to do and don't do anything that you aren't ready to deal with ANY consequence that comes out of that action. Don't rely on others to make you happy. Your family is always here. Always. I am just a phone call and a plane ride away should you need me to be there. I am always here to talk no matter what time: day or night. You are an extraordinary young woman and I have NO DOUBT whatsoever that you will be an extraordinary woman for the rest of forever. My very short list doesn't do you a bit of justice...it could be so much longer...but everything there is true. And most of all I love you more than any words can possibly say. You are my little Brittany even though you're not so little anymore (although you are kinda short :P) and you ALWAYS will be, sweet girl.XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-63436262814497018702010-06-03T08:36:00.007-06:002010-06-03T10:55:27.566-06:00DUCKFEST!!!!!!!<a href="http://proudtobecheap.blogspot.com/2010/05/birds-of-featherflock-together-duck.html"><img src="http://i881.photobucket.com/albums/ac13/CheapskateDesigns/duckfestbutton.png" /></a><br /><br />Okay so here's the deal. The ever hilarious Daffy over at <a style="color: rgb(204, 102, 204);" href="http://batcrapcrazy.blogspot.com/">Batcrap Crazy</a> just lost her sister, Wendy, from complications from a brain tumor. To all of my friends and family who read this blog you know that the brain tumor thing hits close to home. I lost my mommy person (not my mom, but my mommy person...it's complicated and over <a style="color: rgb(153, 153, 255);" href="http://randombtownboredness.blogspot.com/2009/11/anger-heart-break-frustrationthe-one.html">here</a>). However, I was 20. I understood exactly what was going on...Wendy though, left behind a 5-year-old son named JD. JD's dad is going to be a single father and Daffy wants to make sure there is money for him to go to college. Daffy's good shit ya'll - she makes me laugh (almost) every post. So I am going to make and donate a "tie blanket" to the cause. To find out more about the JD Scholarship fun click on Ms. Daffy up there or go<a href="http://proudtobecheap.blogspot.com/2010/05/birds-of-featherflock-together-duck.html"> here to CheapSkateMom's blog</a> - or <a href="http://www.onlyparentchronicles.com/2010/06/what-choo-want-i-know-what-i-want.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+OnlyParentChronicles+%28Only+Parent+Chronicles%29">here to That One Mom's Blog</a> - or <a href="http://momsaysthink.blogspot.com/2010/06/doin-duckfest-that-is.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ThinkTankMomma+%28Think+Tank+Momma%29">here to Think Tank Momma</a> or like 100 other places. I will post the links under all of this information...but here's a picture of a blanket LIKE the one I will make:<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8GR6Cueu4y_9t050d7ozxX1216rGNXp7jflhFSFt-mboBpQYWOWQfDokozaGUApU3eI6_Ye2Txa-ZrCJJiL9eJo6QjM4G9RX8cC1cLa1ouqx44QREtXZqIoWgApfPlfPUEMNht3ZIq9wI/s1600/downsized_0821091740a(2).JPG"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 268px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8GR6Cueu4y_9t050d7ozxX1216rGNXp7jflhFSFt-mboBpQYWOWQfDokozaGUApU3eI6_Ye2Txa-ZrCJJiL9eJo6QjM4G9RX8cC1cLa1ouqx44QREtXZqIoWgApfPlfPUEMNht3ZIq9wI/s200/downsized_0821091740a(2).JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5478560403785225266" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Some of you might recognize this from a previous fundraiser - this blanket is 2 yd x 2 yd - my 2 nieces and nephew (all teens) have them this size - great for a throw or kid - I can do them in any color (within reason I mean come on people) :) ...the woman who ended up with it loved it...so PLEASE donate! Help in anyway you can...if you can only donate $1 or buy a $1 entry please do it anyway! Every single dollar helps to ensure that this little boy gets to go to college.<br /><br />Here's Cheapskate Mom's rundown of DUCKFEST in her own words - straight from her site:<br /><br /><strong>What is<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"> DUCK FEST</span>?</strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">DUCK FEST</span></strong> is a blog party fundraising event to raise money for the <strong>JD Scholarship Fund</strong>. It runs June 3 - 8 right here in the blogosphere!<br /><br /><strong>How does <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">DUCK FEST</span> work?<br /></strong><br />By using the McLinky at the bottom of this page, you are able to visit a number of giveaways to raise money for the <strong>JD Scholarship Fund</strong>. If you find a giveaway you'd like to enter, beginning June 3, you can click on the donate button on that giveaway and donate money for entries. Each entry is $1.00. If you donate $10.00 you have 10 entries to spend however you want. Please follow the PayPal directions for your donation (be sure to leave your blog url in notes for verification!) To enter, leave a comment for each $1.00 donation on the giveaways of your choice!<br />On June 9, each hosting blog will select their winners using random.org.<br /><br /><strong>How can I participate?<br /></strong><br />Do you have a skill or talent you'd like to showcase? Do you rub elbows with PR firms, have advertisers or sponsors that would support the cause? You are more than welcome to host a giveaway at your blog! Do you have product you'd like to donate, but don't have an outlet to run a giveaway? We're happy to host it for you! If you'd like to participate, send an email to me - That One Mom at thatonemom.onlyparentchronicles@gmail.com OR to Tamara at cheapskatemom@live.com.<br /><br /><strong>What if I would just like to donate money and not worry about prizes?<br /></strong><br />That is perfectly fine! Just click on the donate button in the side bar. All donations go directly to the <strong>JD Scholarship Fund</strong>!<br /><br />In the meantime, grab a button and spread the word!! Word of mouth is key to making <strong><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">DUCK FEST</span></strong> a success!<br /><br /><br /><p align="center"><img src="http://i881.photobucket.com/albums/ac13/CheapskateDesigns/duckfestbutton.png" /><br /><textarea rows="4" name="Add Me To Your Blog"><a href="http://proudtobecheap.blogspot.com/2010/05/birds-of-featherflock-together-duck.html"><img src="http://i881.photobucket.com/albums/ac13/CheapskateDesigns/duckfestbutton.png" /></a></textarea></p><embed allowscriptaccess="always" src="http://widget.chipin.com/widget/id/5c62042beb188581" flashvars="event_title=JD%20Scholarship%20Fund" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="220" height="220"></embed><br /><br /><script src="http://www.linkytools.com/private_linky_include.aspx?id=29383" type="text/javascript"></script>XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-87574467572274017412010-05-12T11:02:00.002-06:002010-05-12T11:05:19.716-06:00another emotion filled postsomewhere else today...because no one wants to read my incessant whining all the time<br /><br />It's <a style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);" href="http://settingtoilets.blogspot.com/2010/05/every-shrink-needs-shrink.html">HERE</a> if you're interested...<br /><br />Thanks all!<br /><br />XO, J<br /><br />Also Lilu - I'm absolutely serious...swing by Montana in route to Vegas and I'll get you absolutely piss ass drunk :)XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-47773268882213310802010-05-06T14:07:00.003-06:002010-05-06T14:26:33.634-06:00LTML - May 6th, 2010Dear person who is sitting in the waiting room,<br />MAKE A FUCKING APPOINTMENT...I HATE HATE HATE when people just "pop in". I don't care that you've called 5000 times (and yes it is annoying when you do that). Make a fucking appointment and she'll talk to you, otherwise, your mostly shit out of fucking luck! YOU are NOT the center of our universe!<br />Argh,<br />Pissed of Assistant<br /><br />Dear Boss,<br />Are you trying to get me to quit? I mean seriously? Also, quit doing your own fucking scheduling - you SUCK at it. Seriously.<br />XO,<br />I wish the grad school would accept me already<br /><br />Dear Grad School,<br />HELP! I'm drowning! You are my out! Just please accept me. I REALLY REALLY want to go to your school. I really want to be a social worker who goes into private practice. I love you all - you are awesome! I can't wait!<br />Love,<br />The girl who hopes that kissing your ass even karmicly (new word - yay) speaking works<br /><br />Dear Montana weather,<br />I.hate.you. seriously. this is not longer love-hate. It's moved in to just plain detesting...what can I say...you are driving me batshit crazy. REALLY?? Snow? In May? YUCKO! I was just fishing like 2 weeks ago...<br />Seriously WTH,<br />Hater of the spring snow storms<br /><br />Dear <a style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);" href="http://frieszfamily.blogspot.com/">Pister</a>,<br />Sorry my new blog thing was confusing. K and I are full of random. An explanation would have been good. My bad<br />XO,<br />The good Pister :)<br /><br />Dear <a style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);" href="http://samandashleybishop.blogspot.com/">Stewie</a>,<br />I totally heart you. Thank you for telling your sister that you think that I'm a neat person. Right back atcha!<br />XO,<br />J<br /><br />Dear K/Summit,<br />I have a blog here that I'm on...<a style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);" href="http://jessesworkinitout.blogspot.com/">here where I vent</a>...and <a style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);" href="http://www.settingtoilets.blogspot.com/">here with you</a>! WTF am I thinking...I can't even keep up with one! But I'm super excited to blog together anyway!<br />XO,<br />J<br /><br />Dear <a style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);" href="http://www.livitluvit.com/">LiLu</a>,<br />You're still the shit! Thanks for commenting all the time. I really do owe you a drink!<br />Always,<br />The ower of the drinks<br /><br />Dear <a href="http://hillbillyduhn.blogspot.com/"><span style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);">Hillbilly Duhn</span></a>,<br />IDK you, but you follow 2 out of 3...which makes you a winner :) I love your hilarious antics. You and LiLu are 2 of my favorites!<br />Thanks,<br />I probably owe you a drink too<br /><br />Dear other followers,<br />Sorry I suck...I would probably write more but I have 3 blogs and still nothing to say. Also, I'm not funny in writing...that's also shitty for you. But thanks for the follow anyway!<br />My bad,<br />I'm serious about you coming to Montana for a beerXO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-50039067187769544312010-05-06T09:38:00.001-06:002010-05-06T09:40:22.388-06:00Holy Shiz...I can't think of anything to write on the 2 blogs I already have so what did I do? Started a new one with a friend! It's gonna be an interesting ride...thanks for asking me along K!<br /><br />Check it out <a href="http://settingtoilets.blogspot.com/">HERE</a><br /><br />Thanks yo!<br /><br />XO, JXO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-14887878482360548022010-04-27T12:23:00.004-06:002010-04-27T13:11:00.100-06:00wow...okay...just wow...and my appologies in advance for the length...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDJlf3860lr3-HMzkfD8vBf83Y6KjHBOL00cEhmwUUnxnY1h6wNh2GlXw0y-gwRDsmwi0ezppgz__yDemYNmaLeuPpxZpXgwvUjYCJkQNWnF4HL11dwSvg83A1VQMZMMbHfwjPNhBdl6QU/s1600/gay_agenda.gif"><img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 156px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDJlf3860lr3-HMzkfD8vBf83Y6KjHBOL00cEhmwUUnxnY1h6wNh2GlXw0y-gwRDsmwi0ezppgz__yDemYNmaLeuPpxZpXgwvUjYCJkQNWnF4HL11dwSvg83A1VQMZMMbHfwjPNhBdl6QU/s200/gay_agenda.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5464896849639289634" border="0" /></a><br />you ever know someone that has had to fight for their rights? I have. I've known a lot of people. As a matter of fact I have a few very close friends that fight for their rights EVERY.SINGLE.DAY...It's call the "gay community". Those of you that have read my other stuff or know me personally know that a) my mother is a lesbian b) I am an activist for equal rights...for not only "the gays" (thanks Kathy Griffin for making me think that's funny) but for everyone c) that I can be very passionate about doing what right and d) that I have a very strong sense of what mom calls "social justice". There are a lot of things in my life that I am proud of, but my ability to seek the truth, try to turn people toward what I feel in my heart and soul is right, and doing my job as a human being to understand that our differences make us special are my biggest accomplishments.<br /><br />That being said. I am straight...mostly...we think :) haha - my peeps will get that (insert a joke about one of my many "girlfriends" here). I do, however, try to keep up to date on the happenings here in the local "gay community" as well as globally. I'm informed ya'll. So I have a friend, who is a teacher (will call her A), somewhere in the state of MT. Her "partner" (gonna call her B) and I are tight dude...she's like the freakin' shit. I'd also like to add that this couple is the first "gay couple" to adopt JOINTLY in the state. That's right kiddies. These 2 moms are both on the birth certificate. Wrap your mind around it....because we are a RED state... Anyway, I digress, so this friend, B informed me today that A, her teacher "partner" (sorry for no names, but it's not my place) was denied bereavement leave for her (B) father's funeral. This woman is not just B's "partner" but her sons parent. Legally this is A's son's grandfather, regardless of their sexual orientation. Now another party involved is going to be called C. C is also a lesbonin (haha - "Friends" reference...remember that episode? thanks Pister for that reminder). As a matter of fact, C has had to fight for her own rights (again, can't really get into it). C had decided that because of a certain (bullshit excuse) extenuating circumstance she will not help A & B fight for A's rights as a parent and sent her to deal with her bereavement leave with the "higher ups". EVEN after A & B helped her fight for hers....hmmmmm...so it's okay when others are helping you, but when it's time to fight for a global cause now that you're fate has been decided to puss out? Nope...not cool man...<br /><br />That being said...I think I'd like to express my opinion on C's stance...<br /><br />You cannot have your cake and eat it too. If you are NOT willing to stand up for your own rights as a gay person don't expect anyone else to either. It has never been easy standing up for what one believes. HOWEVER, what's right is not always easy and what's easy is not always right. These people stood up for you because it was the right thing to do. You now have a choice...do what is right or stick your head in the sand because you are afraid of the repercussions. If you decide not to do what is right above what is safest for yourself don't expect people to stick around. People want friends who are willing to put themselves out there if it's the right thing to do. It is all out chicken shit for you to take the help when it is offered and yet when the tables are turned to run like a scared little puppy with your tail between your legs. I understand that in your job position it is hard to do the right thing. I understand that there could be very big consequences. I understand that it could be very hard to deal with. I would like to remind you though...When you needed the support the most for circumstances that were much harder to deal with...these people were there. They took you in as family. They gave you not only a place to stay, but more importantly their hearts. They expected nothing in return (to a point because frankly when you have friends you do expect some relationship reciprocation...if you say you don't it's a fucking lie). They did expect for you to treat them with dignity and respect and to maybe be willing to help them fight for not only their rights, but YOURS. Put yourself in their shoes. If your father died and your "partner" and parent of your child was told that she could not have bereavement time would you be okay with that or would if piss you off? I know you. I know it would piss you off. What I'm really saying here is grow a fucking set and fight for what's right! Don't piss all over your friends because you're current partner is having issues with an ex...DUDE who the fuck is going to be there if and when shit falls apart during this relationship? Certainly not the person that's walking away.<br /><br />Moral of the story kids: <span class="UIStory_Message">fight for what you believe in or stfu...you can't have it both ways...if you do have it both ways then you are just a FLAKE. Nobody wants to hang with a flake because you are like your friends or you become like them...If the world is going to change the way you want it to then you have to be willing to make sure it d<span class="text_exposed_hide">oes so...</span></span>XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-6643712232633857582010-04-21T09:36:00.003-06:002010-04-21T09:56:08.664-06:00And then becomes the question...Can you be friends with people who are of a different thinking? different social group? socioeconomic status? religion? What about education level?<br /><br />Also, do people tend to follow in their parents footsteps as far as their feelings about higher education? How much does the way you are raised affect the way you feel about higher education or moreover upper level education (Law School, Graduate School, etc.)?<br /><br />Is the problem here an actual difference or a perceived difference that is more so a difference of thinking pattern?<br /><br />Okay - so here's the deal...I'm getting a headache from thinking about all of this and would like some opinions if anyone is reading this shiz...<br /><br />I have a friend - whom I must say I am so very happy doesn't have the internets so she will not be reading this. Said friend is the mother of 3, works at a gas station (nothing wrong with that I used to work there myself frankly, however, definitely a down grade from her old job at Walmart as a dept. manager), and has only a high school education (again not knocking it - my brother does well with just his GED so it's all good - no judgment). She lives with her construction worker boyfriend, swears she going to go to nursing school (we'll see), and acts like they are broke because they can't get a break. I was talking to her the other day and it seemed to me like she was trying to work the system (ya know the foodstamps and shiz). Now what really pissed me off about it was that she seems to think it's okay to do so. I got on her ass about it, but realized that what I say doesn't matter because she's going to say I just don't get how hard it is, blah, blah, blah. I will say I have to hand it to her that I have no idea what it's like to be broke. I have NEVER been truly broke in my life. My mother is an attorney, my father a fireman. I was raised upper-middle class by a battalion chief (my dad), a divorce lawyer (mom), and a therapist (mom's girlfriend Kate...whom I've mentioned). I work for my mom and make good money doing so...well at least good enough. There was a 3 month period where I was working at the gas station and pretty much homeless (I crashed with a co-worker...which is another story), however, I knew that no matter what I would be okay. I made $6.50 an hour, had only my HS education, and really no place to live, but they let me stay rent-free, which is probably one of the reasons I don't hate these people even though everyone says I have every right to do so. I don't have kids, I own my condo, I have a college education, I moved back in with my mom after those 3 months, and I always knew that if worse came to worst I could probably move in with Kate. Why not live with dad you say? Well that's also another story. Anyway, I digress. I don't know what it's like to be divorced with 3 kids, have a shitty job, and an asshole boyfriend. I made different choices for my life than she did. So this friend is talking about working the system and all I can do is get annoyed, tell her is bullshit and if she gets caught she's in deep shit, because the government doesn't look kindly on people fucking them over. Which all got me thinking...what does this mean for our friendship when I get done with grad school? Will we even be able to be friends when I know that I'm paying my taxes so that she can fuck someone else out of that much needed money? The system is there for a reason AND being the Democrat (staunch Democrat) that I am I truly believe that it's a good thing. HOWEVER, the system should be used by those who need it. I know people who are a lot worse off than her who wouldn't dream of touching those resources. <br /><br />This all got me thinking about the above questions...so anyone?? anyone?? I realize I will probably not get any kind of response, but I really needed to put it out there...thanks all...XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-36208009996158378552010-04-13T10:42:00.003-06:002010-04-13T11:00:41.703-06:00Politeness....<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.breakawaycontent.com/therules/images/polite.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 385px; height: 227px;" src="http://www.breakawaycontent.com/therules/images/polite.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />So the other day my mom and I ran into each other at the grocery store. We were quite surprised to see that after spending a day together at work we would now be shopping together (cuz ya know great minds think a like). So we do our shopping and go to check out. My mom is polite, she's always very polite even when some rudeness might be in order, but she doesn't make idle chit-chat with people. I on the other hand am a talker. Those who know me know that above all I love to talk and to hear stories. So she checks out first and there are all the customary pleases and thank you's. Then I check out. I do all the pleases and thank yous and what not along with my idle chatter with the lady (I shop at the same spot pretty often so although she probably doesn't remember me - I do remember her). At the end of my time I grab my grocery bags and toss a have a good night or nice night or good one or something of that nature. This prompts my mother to say "You're so nice."....um...okay?....So it's been bugging me...are most people not that nice? And then it dawned on me. People really are RUDE. I worked at a gas station for 4 1/2 years and I should know that I am probably going out of my way to be nice. I try to be patient even when people are pissy. I always tip something even if people are shitty. I like to tell people to have a nice day. It's partially about my upbringing (my parents are both nice people, my mom is definitely more quiet than my dad and I but they are equally kind) and it's partially about my past experience working with the general public. I guess that I can fully remember having shitty days at work and it was MY regulars (yep still refer to them that way - and I actually miss them on a personal level) that helped snap me out of it. They would come in with some crazy story about kids, or dogs, or exes and it would make me smile. Sometimes they would come in and tell me about something shitty that happened to them that day and I would understand that at least my day wasn't THAT shitty. It's nice to know that people can still care about strangers. I certainly do...even when I wish I didn't...which at my job is often...anyway, if anyone ever reads and leaves comments (besides the lovely <a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/">LiLu</a> - who is a rockstar at commenting - thanks for that btw)...do you have anything to share or add about the politeness or lack thereof in society?? Do you think that it's weird that I do this? (the way my mom said "you're so nice" made me feel like I wasn't normal)XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-37301639941303423832010-03-29T13:48:00.008-06:002010-03-29T14:17:52.591-06:00Happy Birthday Gramma<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDzf2rvZqm3eEkXI1lNW9RF13etJKHdmv4TqwIksIJ0MIrr4ckA0cAcPFd_hy0u9fgEc7XxGfSClj8e4hOeE2wv2OIrLsfUi-_FV0kqeQslgiD2EzQuo9rHl9-xaoQvO8jX3m4NRzfW3Dd/s1600/13323_10150103993855137_780015136_11395228_1376710_n.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 157px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDzf2rvZqm3eEkXI1lNW9RF13etJKHdmv4TqwIksIJ0MIrr4ckA0cAcPFd_hy0u9fgEc7XxGfSClj8e4hOeE2wv2OIrLsfUi-_FV0kqeQslgiD2EzQuo9rHl9-xaoQvO8jX3m4NRzfW3Dd/s200/13323_10150103993855137_780015136_11395228_1376710_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454152612511946210" border="0" /></a><br />So today is my Gram's like 83rd? b-day and I just wanted to give her a bloggy shout out. It's full of Schmoop (thanks <a href="http://www.livitluvit.com/">LiLu</a> for the word...no one get pissy that she gets credit - I heard it there first...just sayin') - anywho it's full of schmoop so if you hate sap the skip it!!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipfKLduc8_ePeNE-zHNQ7ynGvEn8zlMaO2DI-yVycERYYAIjUlaAjI6Qe1dfIaLI-adwW8_DU9_VCIZD9mwAQY7Ag4uFgjhwPjNMJDVADeSK2q5rt6jYJdnWBiQ9tQhVgYE6rriWmiK-A6/s1600/grandparents.jpg"><br /></a><br />My grandmother is a very special and lovely woman. I think what makes an awesome gramma is when EVERY grandchild seems to think they are the favorite. I mean we ALL know that I'm totally the favorite, but all the other kids like to argue with me. Whatever, screw you guys, she just doesn't want to say it cuz it'll hurt your feelers. Seriously though - all kidding aside - my cousins and I have actually argued over this. She is wonderful and I love to listen to her ta<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLlMNZX_uA1mIDETmJQWj5aXbGdbG_9p0LsvSdH8RHjrO37rPfAySIQRohCwtvpS_xlmPKV8Z7BiZ0HGRqgVWarRyeWTEtmD7ZMJzvifmeRAH6auL9jssMhU9_V2iNnPPb_PpQ2687Ljmg/s1600/grandparents.jpg"><img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 141px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLlMNZX_uA1mIDETmJQWj5aXbGdbG_9p0LsvSdH8RHjrO37rPfAySIQRohCwtvpS_xlmPKV8Z7BiZ0HGRqgVWarRyeWTEtmD7ZMJzvifmeRAH6auL9jssMhU9_V2iNnPPb_PpQ2687Ljmg/s200/grandparents.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454152126433618738" border="0" /></a>lk about her life, and my (late) gramps's life (RIP gramps), and what it was like when you had to crank a car and find ways to entertain yourself beyond a TV. I mean honestly the woman has led a fascinating life which I will maybe blog about from time to time if I think of it. She's not really old fashioned though. She's come right along with the times. She has the internet, email, and even facebook...how many other 80-yr-old people can you say that about? She is kind, giving, caring, but she can be feisty and protective. Just talk shit about one of my cousins...she'll stick up for them regardless of whether you're right or not because that's her grandkid damnit. I can honestly say I don't remember her ever yelling at us or punishing anyone. She has taught me so many things. She taught me how to sew by hand, how to take the family jokes for what they are...jokes, how to graciously be the butt of the joke (Dr. Laura :), how to be kind to people because you don't know what they might be going through, that life can go on for a long time after you lose the man you loved your entire life, how to hold fast to family, make others feel important, how to work through your marriage difficulties (thanks by the way for setting impossibly high standards...), that you can still be active at 80, that a gramma's love and hugs and kisses and bug picks can make even the shittiest of shit feel okay for even a tiny moment in time, and so many more lessons. She loves her family with everything she has. She's got the patience of a Saint...seriously, if you met some of our family you'd totally understand, and she's the best band-aid giver, boo boo kisser, flu fixer, and broken heart healer to ever have been born.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisRns3DiyY21-4PdZLl9JUXwJy3Gr_DTCR0OxhBFHaMdF_NRrRroLkmPAFz2fYRZ9pcdDbkAs90PPGimczRqVPlIAaVeGBkqgRAJ_EpajKcJzq4UzBesT9XMjFjeZdirQLvsWEbRshGDS2/s1600/n1208796630_30081039_4442.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisRns3DiyY21-4PdZLl9JUXwJy3Gr_DTCR0OxhBFHaMdF_NRrRroLkmPAFz2fYRZ9pcdDbkAs90PPGimczRqVPlIAaVeGBkqgRAJ_EpajKcJzq4UzBesT9XMjFjeZdirQLvsWEbRshGDS2/s200/n1208796630_30081039_4442.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454152393070979106" border="0" /></a><br />So here's to my Gramma Dottie...Whose real name is Laura just FYI, not Dot, Dorthy, etc...Happy Birthday to the best Grams ever!! I love you and thank you for all the wonderful gifts you have given me, the lessons you have taught me, and the times you fixed sick when my parents were at work. You are one of my most treasured gifts and certainly one of my very real life heroes. All, all, all of my love...XO, Jesse JoXO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-43552780405260188272010-03-25T16:09:00.003-06:002010-03-25T16:22:07.197-06:00I fail...I suck at this blogging thing...sorry...kinda...which is pretty much a lie<br /><br />anyway - I blogged over here today<br /><br /><a href="http://jessesworkinitout.blogspot.com/2010/03/oh-lordy-be.html">Workin' It Out</a> - also - this is not a fatty blog where I talk about how I'm fat and need to lose weight. No one wants to hear me whine about that. Instead they want to hear me whine about dealing with loss....or maybe not cuz they don't read either of them.<br /><br />Thanks to those who do!<br /><br />XO, JXO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-40941425099513751582010-03-22T09:11:00.002-06:002010-03-22T09:38:52.046-06:00I'm an adult I can get tattoos and say the "f" word if I want to...just sayin....<br />okay so I actually got to have an exciting weekend...<br />My cousin, E, is in the Navy. He is leaving for Boloxi, Mississippi (probably spelled that wrong but who cares) and then Afghanistan. SOOOOOOOO...he threw himself a going away party at a local dive bar. It's a real shit hole, but also ended up being awesome in a way (keep in mind later that it's right next door to a town pump here). So we are at this "party", which btw is just a bunch of random family and friends, and not in a reserved room (hello it's a dive bar). Anyway, Friday at midnight also happened to be the release of New Moon...yeah I'm a nerd. So the family is all getting shitty drunk (except me cuz well after puking last year for 3 days I don't drink). My cousin L. is wasted. Lisa is 45 and doesn't really drink much herself. So Eric, his mom (L.), his dad (A.), his grandfather on mom's side (L. who is my Aunt's ex hubby), and his friends are all wastered. Like falling down drunk. His sister (also A, but we'll call her lil A. for this) is preggo so she's not drinking...essentially she and I and our under drinking age but of gambling age cousin (K.) are the only sober ones after about 11. Anywho, I'm ready to leave, but I'm counting drunks/sober person car holding capabilities and realize there is no way Lil A is getting all these idiots home by herself. I have to stay and help because that's how I roll. AND BOY AM I GLAD I DID! Midnight rolls around and Lil A and I decide we are bored and wtf let's go get "New Moon". I had told the bff, <a href="http://frieszfamily.blogspot.com/">Pister</a>, that I would pick her up a copy anyway. She was extremely excited (like crazy excited) to have a copy. Anyway, Lil A and I leave and that's when the shit hits the fan. I'm going to preface this by saying we were only gone for like 30 minutes tops. So we leave and my cousin E. starts to freak out again about going to a place where shooting him is the aim of some people. Understandable no? So he's upset and his mom (L.) and Dad (A.) take him outside to talk. So he's upset and his dad is giving him a hug and this big (and I mean big - like 6'4") Indian, excuse me, Native American, dude starts to mouth off. He says "Why don't you get a room?" Of course they all do the wtf...and L. says "what did you just say?" Drunk Indian dude, like an idiot, repeats himself....so...They ALL 3 take off after him. They are all 4 drunk as fuck at this point. E. is so drunk he trips over his own feet and falls. A. tries to tackle dude, but falls instead....Not L though - she chases this guy into Town Pump and wails on his ass. L. is 45 and only about 5'4" tall...and she's wailing on this son of a bitch...So Dude is all like "get her off me, call the cops, I'm pressing charges"...and L's response "call the fucking cops, I work for the fucking cops!" Yeah...she's worked dispatch for a while, but probably not her best response. Anywho, cops are called and L barely dodges going to jail...luckily. L at one point afterward tells me she kinda feels bad...my response "fuck that, you just made my year sweetheart, can't feel bad about that!" Booyah - and that is the story of how my cousin wailed on some dude half her age and twice her size! <br /><br />Friends on a side-note...I have NEVER before gone out with my family....and my friends aren't the "bar fight" type. Just gotta say that it was epic. Thanks for reading...XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-79964003974298881432010-01-20T14:45:00.002-07:002010-01-20T15:05:22.193-07:00ltml - Jan 20, 2010Dear Blog,<br />I've been neglecting you...oh if only I were more clever or had more fun....boo<br />Xo, I should just retire from this now<br /><br />Dear A's baby,<br />Hang in there until Friday please...your older sister made things difficult for me - you don't need to follow suit.<br />Thanks, Auntie Coo Coo<br /><br />Dear Jorge from Yellowstone Country Clerk of Court,<br />Yep that's right dipshit...I'm totally naming your ass in my blog. Just FYI - you might want to be careful who you talk shit about. Not only is that person that ALLEGEDLY doesn't return your phone calls my boss but she's mom, she's FUCKING AWESOME at her job, and she's the poo (so take a big whiff). If you want to talk shit about her feel free, but know that I will find people to fuck with you just for fun. It's called torture and me likey.<br />Fuck you...<br />Sincerely, You're a dumbass<br /><br />Dear Detectives,<br />Thank you for finding DNA evidence so that court is delayed and I don't have to be on the Jury. Cuz this shit would not have gone over well with me...<a href="http://billingsgazette.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/article_97628128-0553-11df-b16a-001cc4c002e0.html"><span style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);">(click to read what Jury I would have possibly been on)</span></a><br />No thank you to that crap, Unhappy potential Juror<br /><br />Dear Yahoo Toolbar,<br />Fuck off! I hate you - It took me like 3 days and a google search to figure out that you were the cause of my "no right click on firefox" problem.<br />Argh, Unhappy internet user<br /><br />Dear readers of this crappy blog,<br />Anything you want me to tell you? I have nothing to write about. I don't really have any TMI's (<a style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);" href="http://www.livitluvit.com/">lilu style</a>) or anything cool for Memoir Monday (<a style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);" href="http://fisherofstories.blogspot.com/">Travis style</a>)....I mostly just suck.<br />Thanks, Me<br /><br />Dear old self,<br />You used to be a good writer in your day...what the fuck happened to you? Where'd ya go?<br />Not loving it, The new self who wishes to be the old selfXO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-6129531460328779202010-01-02T10:50:00.003-07:002010-01-02T11:01:15.326-07:00Letters to my life - New Year editionFirst off - new blog - over <a style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 255, 255);" href="http://jessesworkinitout.blogspot.com/">HERE</a> - for anyone who cares...<br /><br />Dear New Year's Eve...<br />Must you blow every year? WTF...<br />~Girl who stayed in when she should have been out<br /><br />Dear Friends...<br />Really? No one wanted to be fun? Why is everyone so OLD suddenly?<br />~Quit being fogies ya assholes<br /><br />Dear Cuzzin...<br />Sorry I didn't feel like coming out after hours of trying to find someone to go out with...<br />~Next year I'm callin yo ass first<br /><br />Dear 2010...<br />Could you please suck WAY less than 2009...2009 was shitty and should not be repeated.<br />~thanks...girl who was sick for a huge chunk of last year<br /><br />Dear guy I've been trying to make booty call...<br />Why so uninterested all of a sudden? Fucka - I'm trying here...although you don't know that's what I'm doing...so I'll keep pretending I'm interested.<br />~xo, Girl who's not as innocent as everyone thinks<br /><br />Dear <a href="http://frieszfamily.blogspot.com/"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 255, 255);">Pister</span></a> and well other people who know me...<br />Shocked by that last one? Me too a little bit...and NO I will not talk to you about it...except you pister...maybe I will talk to you about it as long as you don't pull your "20 questions" bullshit. That's just gonna piss me off...I will give you as much info as I want, don't push it please.<br />~Love, the girl who is really not that girl<br /><br />Dear people reading this thinking I'm bitchy....<br />Yes I am thanks...but she knows...<br />~Always the bitch<br /><br />Dear USA Network...<br />Law and Order SVU marathon...yes please...thanksomuch!<br />~Straight girls love Mariska too<br /><br />Dear TRUCK,<br />Please start you fucking piece of shit. At least long enough for me to move you over 6 inches...<br />~yeah - I fucking hate you<br /><br />Dear Readers and bloggers,<br />Happy New Year...May all of your blog entertain me. I mean may it fucking rock! And long may you all rave!<br />~All the love I can muster, JXO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-8522749888251758472009-12-23T15:51:00.003-07:002009-12-23T15:54:56.958-07:00end of the year wrap upI published this on my other blog because well frankly it's long and boring and that's what that blog is for...it is <a style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);" href="http://jessesworkinitout.blogspot.com/2009/12/end-of-yearchristmas-letter.html"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >HERE</span></a> if you are bored or have no life<br /><br />Merry Christmas, Happy Channukah, Happy Kwanza, Happy Holidays, or whatever other PC thing I'm supposed to say...also, sorry if they are spelled wrong - I sure wouldn't want to offend anyone...<br /><br />If you're drinking have one...naw 2 for me...I get sick if I drink...yay for my asshole stomach!<br /><br />Thanks for the great year everyone!<br /><br />Merry merry and be safe!<br /><br />* Ps it's fucking snowing here...and the roads suck...if you want a white Christmas feel free to join me - I will buy you booze for being my entertainment... :)XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-51702727287541889632009-12-16T23:22:00.002-07:002009-12-16T23:31:33.542-07:00ltml - fml editionDear Neighbor,<br />If you're going to play your guitar all shittily could you please cut yourself off at 10 pm like a polite person. I've never blasted you with my shit after 9:30...stupid snatch - if you don't knock it off I might cut you.<br />Sincerely, Disgruntled neighbor<br /><br />Dear Neighbor's kid,<br />What are you deaf?? I can't believe my noise hasn't woken you up! Help a sista out over here and wake up screaming. It's the least you could do when you have count cuntula as a mom...fuck!<br />Always, Angry Bitch Next Door<br /><br />Dear Ana and Andy,<br />I do not now nor have I ever cared about Andy's kids. As a matter of fact I couldn't care less what happens. I have helped and listened trying to be a good person. Why in the fuck would I want to listen to the two of you bitch about the same shit I hear at work EVERY SINGLE DAY!?!? Keep your own fucking drama dude...I'm officially out! May your lawyer keep his sanity the poor lad...I think next time I'll send you to someone I don't like.<br />Not cool, Me<br /><br />Dear Mr K. Sweeney (the good one),<br />I'm apologizing now for my past and future mistakes. I know that I have sent you some gems. My bad...<br />Really do love ya, The girl who makes the shitty coffee and sends you nutcases<br /><br />Dear <a href="http://frieszfamily.blogspot.com/">Pister</a>,<br />Add a fucking followers button and help people out...maybe you'd get more. I'm trying here. PS - thanks for you know that thing that you did that we can't talk about on here...(twss?)<br />Love, the good Pister<br /><br />Dear followers,<br />Get your mind outta the gutter...<br />Thanks again for the love, JXO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-52475634886145209132009-12-14T16:02:00.004-07:002009-12-14T16:06:33.985-07:00I started a new blog for all of my "baggage"to keep this blog down to a minimum with my baggage and drama (the non-funny kind) I started a new blog...<a style="color: rgb(0, 204, 204);" href="http://jessesworkinitout.blogspot.com/">here at http://jessesworkinitout.blogspot.com/</a> - read if you'd like - if not I totally understand...it's not funny...AT ALL. Thanks fellow bloggers for your support on this blog. It truly means the world that complete strangers do care even on shitty days. I will still be here occasionally (you know like I'm a failure and don't blog often anyway)...nothing here will change except the occasions when I post here that I've posted there. I'll keep <span style="font-weight: bold;">trying</span> to be funny here even though I realize I'm not funny very often. It's like the jackpot though when I am! Thanks again all! Hopefully soon I'll have a good story...XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-22020773408144919612009-12-08T13:13:00.003-07:002009-12-08T13:21:14.443-07:00haha...fml December 8th...Dear Blog reading and potential writing self,<br />You were doing so well there you dill fuck...what happened? Where'd ya go?<br />Love, The person who used to read all the "good blogs" everyday<br /><br />Dear Bloglanders,<br />Sorry I haven't been commenting or writing...I suck....My bad!<br />Yours, The girl who still owes each of you a beer<br /><br />Dear 3 year old Pontiac,<br />Fuck you and your fucking battery you whiny piece of shit. I hate you right now...just start mother fucker.<br />Truly, The girl who is going to drive you off a cliff<br /><br />Dear Mitchell,<br />You're my hero...thanks for dealing with my car drama...no, I still won't marry you.<br />Always, The bitch who probably doesn't deserve a friend like you<br /><br />Dear Pister,<br />Hope you get that job. Glad the assholes at the insurance company finally let you go. Fuck them - they can fist themselves.<br />Sincerely, ME - duh<br /><br />Dear below zero weather,<br />I hate you, but if you were going to come you couldn't have picked a funnier time to do so...All those Palin book waiters are batshit crazy.<br />Loving you for once, The girl who ISN'T going to wait in this weather for Sarah fuckin' Palin<br /><br />Dear People in line a borders,<br />HAHA...HAHA...HOHO...HEHE...you're all fucking crazy! Hope you had fun waiting for you 30 seconds with a moron.<br />Not yours, thankfully, The girl who thinks Sarah Palin is completely full of shit<br /><br />Dear Sarah Palin,<br />Fuck you.<br />Also not yours truly, Jesse (aka girl who wishes you would just go away for good)XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-71125194902081037092009-11-18T14:05:00.005-07:002009-11-24T12:00:54.134-07:00Sometimes I like to creat controversy....I like to think of it as "pushing buttons to make people think". It sounds a lot less bitchy and annoying then I like to piss people off because I think they are backwards in their way of thinking...or I'm ALWAYS right so screw you anyway. So this blog is going to be about an apparently very controversial issue: Religion. If you are a very staunch Christian leave now please. Also, if you didn't like <a style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);" href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/02886089228538677690">Travis's</a> blog over at <a style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);" href="http://fisherofstories.blogspot.com/">"I like to fish..."</a> about <a style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);" href="http://fisherofstories.blogspot.com/2009/11/memoir-monday-they-like-to-steal-my.html">how effed it is that people in Kentucky are still racist</a> - also, please leave, I just have a feeling you won't understand what I'm saying and I don't care to hear how you don't like it. (Also, if you don't know what I'm talking about click one of the above blue link thingy's* and it will take to you him - he's kind of awesome.)<br /><br />SO - I have this little saying - it's a joke...mostly er kind of...it goes a little like this: If only the Mormons or the Catholics or the Jehovah's Witnesses are going to Heaven then I'd rather go to hell with all the rest of my people anyway because it's going to be way more fun!<br /><br />Apparently that is NOT a popular thing to say to <em>über</em> churchy* people. It's like an automatic ticket to hell...which means apparently that I'm fucked. YES I'm automatically going to hell now. WTF!?!? I make a joke and I'm going to hell. There is no asking me what I actually believe, no questioning of one's own beliefs, just Jess is going to hell.<br /><br />So just to check my theory I do a little facebook status update...and that leads to this...<br />My original status: <span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="UIIntentionalStory_Names" ft="{"type":"name"}"><br /><br /><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.facebook.com/jessejoharris?ref=mf" onclick="'ft(">Jesse </a> </span><span class="UIStory_Message">is it true that, if I'm not religous and what not or get whatevered, I am going to hell no matter how good I am, how much I love, how much I believe, or how many people I help? Cuz if that's the case I think I might as well start being bad...</span></span><br /><br />and the <span style="font-weight: bold;">answers</span>: **<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Jacquelyn </span></span><br /><div class="comment_text"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504641184" class="comment_author"></a><div id="text_expose_id_4b0c29850b8cb5e7a90d4" class="comment_actual_text">Whatever. Don't listen to other people unless they bring you up. You know whether or not you are trying to be a good person to yourself, lady earth, and those who populate her (be they awesome or not). Don't even listen to me (awesome as I am) *wink*. Listen to you.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255); font-weight: bold;">Jesse</span></div></div><div class="comment_text"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/jessejoharris" class="comment_author"></a><div id="text_expose_id_4b0c29850d4634bbb001b" class="comment_actual_text text_exposed">Thanks Jacque :) (are you still going to start spelling it like that again??) - I just love how closed-minded people can be...if you left it up to any single religion the people of that faith would (according to that religion, not necessarily all of the people of that religion - although quite a few apparently believe it's true) be the only ones to<span class="text_exposed_hide">... <span class="text_exposed_link"><a onclick="'CSS.addClass($(">Read More</a></span></span><span class="text_exposed_show"> get into "Heaven" and it wouldn't matter how terrible the person was here on Earth as long as s/he was saved...I'm just going - so Hitler gets to go to Heaven and I don't because he was "saved" and did whatever they thought he needed to and I'm not going to Heaven because I was only baptized?? What's up with that!?!? :)</span></div></div><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Jamie</span><div class="comment_text"><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1093638531" class="comment_author"></a><div id="text_expose_id_4b0c29850d99a22d9b8c1" class="comment_actual_text">That was awesome, Jackie...you are such a special woman! So are you, Jesse. And listen to Jackie, cause she's pretty dang smart! I love you girls! ♥<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Jacquelyn</span></div></div><div class="comment_text"><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504641184" class="comment_author"></a><div id="text_expose_id_4b0c29850ddb918dbb2be" class="comment_actual_text">I think God will weigh the intentions with the actions. Too bad I can't communicate with passed souls...it'd be nice to just flat out ask them. That'd be cheating though and I did plenty of that in High School and didn't learn a thing :D<br /><br /></div></div><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Sandie </span>(side note - this is the BFF's mom - nice huh? loves...)<br /><div class="comment_text"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000437683125" class="comment_author"></a><div id="text_expose_id_4b0c29850e1af7ec36256" class="comment_actual_text">Some days Jesse you are so full of SHIT!!!!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Kellie</span><br /></div></div><div class="comment_text"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/kellie.gibson" class="comment_author"></a><div id="text_expose_id_4b0c29850e5c72954ba2e" class="comment_actual_text">No its not true and your own accountability to your self will keep you from having too much fun!<br /><br />Yet then I get in my inbox: the person shall remain nameless...<br /><br />Hey Jesse, The only thing that matters and will assure you going to Heaven is your relationship with Jesus Christ. You can be as nice, as helpful as loving as you can be but if you do not know and believe that Jesus died for you because He loves you (the ultimate unconditional love-cuz lets face it if Jesus still loves me after all the crap I have done His love must be unconditional)> I'm not trying to be all high and mighty because I'm not nor am I a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, I just want you to be fully informed. Quite honestly my friend I would hate for you to spend eternity in hell<br /><br /><br />NOW - where in the fuck did I ever state my beliefs?? It wasn't what this person said that pissed me off...it was the fact that she said it with such conviction that I was going to hell. Like maybe she could have taken a gander at me and noticed my cross necklace, maybe she could have asked a mutual friend who has known me for a while, maybe she could have ASKED ME what it is that I believe...maybe just maybe then she would have found out that I was raised Catholic but I have no use for organized religion because they teach people not to question anything EVER...and they are a little too cultish ("f" you spell check) for my taste - I also think they are mostly hypocrites...not all...just most...yaknow with the "love thy neighbor" and "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and "God loves all his children" crap. I'm not saying I have a problem with other people who are religious, but damn it if my Mormon friends can take a joke and not preach to me then why can't other people!?!? Or at least ask me what I believe before you throw your down home values on me...sheesh. Am I out of line?<br /><br /><br /></div></div>*yes - I am aware that "thingy's" is not a word, but doodad's is just weird for me and also churchy should be a word, but I realize most people (outside my head) don't think it is either<br /><br />** all of these people are religious in some form...all of them have at one point (or still do) gone to church on a weekly basis. The range from Mormon to Lutheran to just plain ChristianXO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-88055120286617830072009-11-10T22:31:00.005-07:002009-11-10T23:34:12.657-07:00anger, heart break, frustration...the one with too much emotion and too much about my past...very personal...and very "schmoopy"very long post...very personal...much recounting of my life. Skip this if you expect it to in any way be funny or even make sense...it's VERY VERY LONG...<br /><br />I'm an over thinker. If I know anything about myself, this is definitely it. So I've been thinking...What is a truly broken heart? Do we ever get over a significant loss? Does the heart ever really truly heal? Or is like Stephanie Meyer says in her "New Moon" book...that we essentially just get better at dealing with the pain. I never thought a book about teenage vampires would ever have anything to say that would truly make sense, but dealing with my newest round of grief over something that happened more than 5 years ago, her words suddenly become actually relevant to my life. I find it odd, hilarious, and a more than a bit pathetic that I would admit a fluffy book like that would relate to me, but nonetheless the book is irrelevant, the words are not.<br /><br />A Comprehensive break down of my life...this is going to be long...feel free to skip this post<br />15 years ago:<br />Mom comes out and starts dating one of the most wonderful people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Her name is Kate and she becomes my new mommy...My mom was always my mom, but she was MY momma Kate. I was the daughter of her heart and soul. We both knew that what was happening was inescapable, beautiful, and exciting. I finally had a mom with whom I could relate. That isn't said to diminish my relationship with my biological mother, we are very close and she is absolutely wonderful, but this was different and extraordinary.<br /><br />until 10 years ago:<br />Kate and I remain joint at the hip. She's moved in with us. She's taught me to cook, she's taught me about defining my own spirituality without relying on a religion, she's taught me that people want to do better with their second child than they did with their first (and boy did she), she's introduced me to all kinds of new and wonderful people. Until she left when I was 16 we were inseparable. I was a child living in an adult world...and I felt like I was right where I belonged.<br /><br />almost 10 years ago:<br />Kate leaves us for him. Mom and I are hurt and pissed. She and I are still so close that it's hard for my to imagine my life without seeing her everyday. We talk everyday until she moves to the Virgin Islands when I'm 17.<br /><br />9 years ago:<br />My life changes. She's gone, but we still talk daily, until it's only every couple of days. I don't see her physically any more, but she tries her best to ease that pain. She knows all too well what I'm feeling. Then again she always has...she's the one person who can read me like an open book.<br /><br />6 years, 2 or 3 months:<br />She's home for a couple of weeks, he's with her. She kicks him out of their timeshare condo in Red Lodge, Montana so that we can have some uninterrupted mother/daughter time. Kiss that buddy...What a selfish kid...but she knew I still wasn't ready to face him. I still wanted my parents back together. My dad had my other mom, Kathleen, for which I am grateful...my life would be so different if Kathleen weren't here - and not in a good way...she's been so good to me...but my 2 moms were still separate now. It will never fail to amaze me how kids hang on to the thought of their parents being together again after a divorce. I loved Kathleen so I never wanted mom and dad back together, of that I was sure. But the battle between mom and Kate proved to be the one that put me in the category of "other kids" - the one I had never imagined being a part of myself.<br /><br />6 years ago:<br />She's sick. She's having seizures. She has me convinced it's nothing, she'll be okay. I always believed everything she said. She could have told me the sky was yellow and I would have believed her...I truly think everything will be fine.<br /><br />btwn 5 and 6 years ago:<br />I know something is wrong, but I don't know what. The phone calls are less frequent, she's feeling less up to talking, she's not e-mailing me back. This is not her. This is not MY Kate. My Kate would find a way to talk to me. Something is very very wrong, I'm worried, and I'm frantically trying to reach her. I can feel that she needs me and I can't be there. I'm scared for her....<br /><br />5 years, 5 months, 1 1/2 weeks (essentially),<br />I get a phone call that shatters my world. I'm only 20 years old and I have lost one of the few people I am fully not ready to loose. I get the call. The call. His call. Him. The man I blamed for so long for a decision SHE made. He took my mom away from me. I can't help but be resentful even if it's wrong. My head knows it was her decision, my heart needs someone else to blame. He tells me she died. What!? How could this happen? I'm too young. She was too young. 52 years, almost 4 months. Literally days shy of the 52 years, 4 months. I'm in my old bedroom that is now mom's office. She's at her computer working, I'm in the recliner jabbering away about some nonsense as usual. The desk faces the windows, recliner faces the desk. The bathroom to my back and right, the bathroom she designed with the walk in closet I loved. The walls are a different color than when I was a kid...3 pink, 1 deep maroon purple. Shelley's idea...yuck. I get the call. I lose it. I lose it badly enough that mom looks at me like I've had a mental break. I can hear him talking vaguely. I can hear him tell me she's dead. It was a brain tumor. I'm sorry sweetheart....I'm sobbing by now...uncontrollable, heart wrenching sobs, sounds I don't remember ever making. Mom is watching me, concern on her face. I hear him ask, "Is there anything I can do for you?" I manage to say, "no"...and somehow, though I can't remember now, the call ends. That's it. She's gone. No answers, nothing. I tell mom. Mom's losing it. We're both overcome. Shelley walks in, I look at mom with desperation in my eyes that says "get Shelley out...I can't deal with her, please just make her leave". Mom sends her away. We both cry. Words must have been said. I can't remember any of it. It's like people always say "a haze". My world has just come crashing down. It was only 1 year, 3 months almost to the day that I lost my grandfather. I was only 19 when he died, now at only 20 one of the other most important people I have ever known is gone. 2 gone in a little over a year.<br /><br />That same day I have promised my family to be at a Memorial Weekend BBQ at the river. I've told only 3 people about it...Sandy, Kara, and my mom. Sandy and Kara reach out to me. I think they both went to the BBQ with me for moral support. Not a word is said about what has transpired. They know better. I don't want them, I don't want anyone, I want my momma Kate. I want her and only her. The same person I always want when my heart is broken.<br /><br />I try to e-mail him about her. He won't tell me anything through the e-mail. He wants me to call...I can't call. I'm not strong enough. I'm not ready. We lose touch. He moves on. I don't.<br /><br />And so the years pass...<br /><br />6 months (ish) ago:<br />I find him on facebook. He leads me to Martha. Thank you Kate, thank you God, thank you Martha. I find some answers and start the grieving process all over. <br /><br />Present:<br />I don't know if knowing more has helped or made it worse. All I know is that my life feels broken still. 5 years later. 5 fucking years...when does it stop hurting like hell? When does my heart quit feeling broken? When does it quit feeling like there is a piece of my soul missing? I think I know more than I should about losing a parent at a young age. It's too hard for anyone to understand how much I relied on her...how much she truly was my mommy. How much only she understood about me. No one has ever known me as well as she did. I worry no one will. I worry no one will understand how much she means to me and how much it hurts to be without her. I have had friends who have lost a parent. They think that what I feel isn't the same. I won't say they are wrong. I also won't say that they are right. I can't begin to know what they feel, but the feeling of emptiness that they feel when they think of that parent...that loving, devoted, caring, compassionate person...that I know. The yearning to see that person, the need to just have them tell you everything is okay is all too familiar.<br /><br />There are so many unanswered questions. So many resentments toward him, toward her brother, toward her son. Her asshole son was there...the daughter of her heart and soul was not. Fair? I think not. She didn't even LIKE her son...let alone her brother. I can't wrap my mind around his grief...I can't imagine why he would tell her son and her brother and not me. I can only speculate. Was it because he resented me? Was it because he knew how much she and my mom still meant to each other? Was it just that he wasn't thinking? He called me within a day so how could he not know...How could her own son not care enough to write an obituary? Why did he let her brother in on even the minutest details? The why's go on forever. I will likely never speak to him. I honestly don't know if I care to, to be honest. I'm not sure I could deal with him even to this day. I'm angry and I know to my core it doesn't help things. I know in my soul that not liking him, her brother, her son, the situation, the way it was handled, the way I let him overlook me, any of it, I know that it doesn't help. I know that it only hurts me. Yet, somehow, I can not overlook it. <br /><br />I am like her in so many ways that I can not even begin to explain. The BFF sees it, mom sees it, anyone who saw us together sees it, saw it, or at the very least starts to see it eventually. If you look close she's in there...inside of me. In my heart, my soul, my mind, my spirit. She has shaped me into this person. The one with the freak outs over weird things, the sometimes obsessive behavior, the love of the unconventional, the love of the spiritual, the cook, the person who makes her own family, that girl that has so much passion sometimes that it seems insane. That person who loves cats, laughs at things inside her head, gives her mom shit like it's nobody's business and gets away with it when no one else can, that person that is unorganized as hell and can't find shit. That girl that loves Christmas, craft shows, music, and good movies. The girl that has learned to see beyond what is and see what may be, what can be, or what someone is not saying. The opinionated advice giving lecturing mom type. That sweet child that was always referred to as an old soul...she knew that person better than anyone because she helped create her. That girl is me. The real me. The me that sometimes feels very alone and very lost without her. The me that wonders...Do we ever truly get over this kind of soul deep loss? If this is not a broken heart what is? How do I move past this? And how do I learn to keep my heart open enough to not miss out on all the things life has to offer? She would want me to keep an open heart...she would want me to laugh, love, live, be happy. Yet, in times like today, I still struggle to see past the loss to what is to come. But I will be okay...because my parents...the collective whole of them...have taught me that I can survive anything. And because I have the greatest support system in the best people anyone could ever have.XO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668329599850278627.post-40883414786506499782009-10-26T11:04:00.002-06:002009-10-26T11:18:02.145-06:00ltml - October 26Dear I'm going to blog at least once a week me,<br />You suck at this and have nothing to say. That's all.<br />Sincerely,<br />Me that forgets or has nothing to say<br /><br />Dear beautiful wonderful amazing niece,<br />Quit growing up so quickly...18...wow, 8 frickin teen! I remember watching movies and sledding with you. I remember you and k-bug following me around. I remember you begging the g-parents to let you tag along to my basketball games and watch me cheer. I remember little you with you little cherub face and your little sweet way of kicking my ass at cards. I remember everything. I love you and now I think I will have to dedicate a post solely to you.<br />Love love love,<br />The luckiest aunt in the whole wide world<br /><br />**side note...I know schmoopy (as LiLu puts it), but I can't help myself<br /><br />Dear tree in my back yard,<br />I can't wait until the condo association gets enough money to cut you down. You are leafing in my porch and I am sick of sweeping. On the other hand, at least you provide me some comic relief by deciding to send half of it across the street to A and the girls. Funny as hell!<br />Sincerely,<br />You're annoying<br /><br />Dear A,<br />Have fun raking those leaves!!! HAHAHAHAHA!<br />Love,<br />Your bitch neighbor with the big leafy fucking tree<br /><br />Dear BFF,<br />You do too have insurance...maybe not health, but you have car and home owners. I was right...AGAIN - even if it was just a technicality.<br />Sincerely,<br />quit being crabby it was a joke<br /><br />Dear clients,<br />Once again - a reminder - I HATE you, but you are the reason I get a paycheck. I do not, however, want to hear your life story. I've heard it all before. Unless you have a sex tape shocker I do NOT care. Oh wait, I don't care about that either, been there heard that.<br />Sincerely,<br />Disgruntled answerer of the phones...<br /><br />Dear Remote Start,<br />I love you. I can't believe it took almost 10 years of parking outside in the snow to finally get you.<br />Loving,<br />The non-window scraper<br /><br />Dear readers,<br />Thanks again. BTW - we're still on for the free booze if you make it to good ol' Montana.<br />Thanks a million,<br />JXO, Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10331671646787549530noreply@blogger.com3