September 23, 2009

Oh my life...ltml take 3 - sept 23

I have learned in the past week that I should really start writing down things so that these cover things...also, I'm sick so I feel not as funny but here goes:

Dear person in the big red truck: Thanks for almost hitting me on my way back from lunch asshole. Glad I have good brakes! Note to others: Look before changing lanes.

Dear Higher Power: WTF are you doing? My life is not a joke...I'm mean srsly this is ridiculous - let a girl have a breather!

Dear person who wasn't worth mentioning last week: My bad. I'm an asshole...Thanks for admitting I'm not a terrible person. I'm glad you remembered that you CAN talk to me even if you feel like your being a bitch. Welcome to the club!

Dear client who dumped us for no reason: Fuck you! Dude your wife is going to screw you over so bad! HAHA! Good luck jackass! I shall go tell her attorney to have a field day...and he will because I bring him COOKIES! Take that!

Dear Kanye West: Imma let you get back to your life, but Taylor Swift had the best...okay I got nothin' dude! You're just kind of a jackass. Oh, and btw I totally didn't buy your fake ass apology on Jay Leno (which I saw on youtube...of course I didn't actually watch)

Dear client that thinks we aren't mean enough: It's not us it's you. Quit feeling sorry for yourself.

Dear AA people: Quit telling people it is OKAY to feel sorry for themselves! It's counter productive.

Dear Kelly: I am still not wearing that nightie thing even if I find it to tell you where it ended up. However, that does not mean that I don't love you and that you don't owe me a drink for even making me take it home. Margaritas on you? yes please! :)

Dear Pro Auto Sound and Security: 7-10 days does NOT mean 3 weeks. Pull your head out of your ass. My mommy paid really good money for you to put that remote start in my car!

Dear BFF: I did NOT receive snacks the last time I was over with hubs. What is your problem? Get on it woman! I want my booze and snacks like you promised while I'm "entertaining" the hubby! Also, I know you think it's a bit "weak sauce" that I'm fine with that girl again, but please move on...plz

Dear Girl who should be bitch slapped: It is NEVER ok to kiss your sister's boyfriend...even if you're drunk. Not cool!

Dear fat cat: Just because you're cat box is not filled with litter (little kitty got de-clawed - I know I'm mean - anywho) does NOT mean you should pee in my bathroom sink and shit in my shower! I should kill you but you're so fat and cute...the dilemma!

Dear 5 followers (yep 5!): Thank you! You're awesome and if you ever make it to Montana I will buy you alcohol. Promise...or cookies if you don't drink...which is always kind of sad, but I feel your pain.

Dear Blogger: I hate you right now - I can't see my followers so I can't link them to my last point. DAMNIT you're as bad as facebook sometimes!

September 16, 2009

Letters to my life September 16 edition in an attempt to not be an epic failure like the BFF Twiggy...thanks for finally updating...anywho - I am going to attempt to do all of my bitching in on this blog in this form once a week or month or year or whenever the hell I feel like it. Hey it's something to do at my boring ass job and it helps me to be less annoyed (or more - not sure). So here goes week 2:

Dear person who's name isn't even worth mentioning: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Yep I'm still pissed a week and a half later. I can't believe you insulted me and the bff. So much for me being your "best friend". If this is how you treat people you can keep you. I don't want you anymore me thinks. I know that this may or may not (or probably never will) be over at some point, but I gotta tell ya...I have helped you take care of your kids more than almost anyone else and yet you think that I think kids are such a HUGE burden. Oh wait - THEY ARE, but they are a burden that I would gladly take on for the BFF. Just FYI - her kids will hopefully be potty trained before they are 4 and SHE probably won't feel the need to yell at them ALL THE TIME. So thanks for the eye opener on how important I am to you.

Dear Kitty: I'm soooo sorry you are at the vet getting de-nutted. You're still an asshole though and yes your claws have to go...also, could you please get your cuteness to pay for new carpet? Thankyouverymuch. And again - I feel guilty...but you're still kinda an asshole...

Dear client that doesn't listen: The other attorney is out of town ALL week. Period. The End. ALL WEEK. Quit calling us and asking us if we've heard anything. The answer will be the same no matter what...

Dear client that is an asshole (that was also in here yesterday): Dream on jackass...there is no way you are getting full custody - try away man! Good luck with that...and btw why did you have kids with the bitch? Also, why did you need to bring your girlfriend you fucking pussy? You aren't man enough or she suddenly acquired a law degree? She's about as smart as a left nut you fuckwad. Have you listened to the girl like EVER!?!?

Dear Facebook: I still hate you. You never work right for me...and apparently I'm not the only one. Fix yourself immediately!

Dear Cellphone: I also still hate you...Come Oct 7th we are done! Thank you baby Jesus!

Dear life: Why do you have to be so fucking complicated? Why do you have to shit on the lives of kids? I mean is it really necessary to give a teenager cancer? WTF?!? I mean I think it's shit when it happens to adults, but srsly COME ON!

Dear new baby Aaydan: Welcome Sugar...may your life be everything your parents dream.

Dear little Tristan: Careful when you hit your new brother...I know it's inevitable that you will, but some day he may be bigger than you. He'll remember how you treated him and if your not careful he'll kick your ass. Also, make sure that mom isn't looking when you do. You will get in WAAAAY more trouble if she sees it :)

Dear BFF: I lover you...and your husband (in the dirtiest way possible)...I will be sneaking in to have my weekly tryst with the hubs tonight at can watch if you'd like :) Oh, and thanks for being pissed at that one chick for me...but you're still an asshole you Edward fantasizing weirdo!

Dear new Twilight movie: Please can't you premiere like a month early so I can stop hearing about this shit!?!?! I mean you are the talk of the town and I got PUT ON HOLD so that the BFF could listen to your new trailer. You are bullshit, but hopefully you are BETTER bullshit than the first movie b/c when Stephanie Meyer said that you shimmer I'm pretty sure she didn't think you'd look like you got rolled in gold glitter glue...justsayinisall!

Dear people who read this: Fake like you follow me...I'm pathetic with only 2 followers. I will make you cupcakes. Ok that's a lie, but I will follow you back...probably, unless your some creepy fat guy who looks like a child molester. If you are I guess ignore this post. And every other post.

Dear everyone who made it this far: Thanks...I now love you more than the BFF - k well maybe not that much but thanks...

September 8, 2009

Letters to my life...

okay so a few messages for life and people...basically this should be titled "Shit I wish I could actually vocalize without fear for my life (or job or whatever)"

Dear Billings Drivers: Get a fucking clue. Turn signals are there for a reason...also, you do NOT have to come to a complete stop to turn and YES you can turn left on red from a one way to a one way...

Dear American Solutions: FUCK YOU and FUCK Newt fucking Gingrich! Tell that old fucker to die already would you!

Dear Fate: Quit shitting on Kelly. Thank you.

Dear Clients: It is not my fault you are ridiculously stupid. It is not my fault you married some stupid asshole. It is not my fault that the world does NOT revolve around you no matter how badly you want it to.

Dear Tweet Deck and Facebook: WTH is wrong!?!? Why can't you both just work right!?!?

Dear cellphone: Kiss my ass you piece of shit. I can't wait to run over you until you are in a million little pieces...bastard.

And Dear little kitty: You claw me up you shitass, but the joke is on you - in 9 days you will have your balls cut off and your front claws taken out. I debated the declaw until you destroyed the bottom step. Enjoy your week asshole.