September 16, 2008

Stress...and rambling

I miss the ocean....whoosaaa
So I get to work yesterday and my boss who is also my mother very poignantly says to me and I quote "you look tired." Now is it just me or does that statement actually mean "you look like shit." Thanks mom!! Anyway, I digress. So I started thinking about why I would "look tired." I think the problem was that I am actually exhausted. My mood has moved beyond tired. I don't sleep a lot and when I do it's not that oh so good, nothing can interrupt it, deep, dreamy type. It's more like...sleep, cat runs through, sleep, neighbors home, sleep, weird dream, sleep...oh shit alarm clock. It's interesting to me though. This pattern of my life has me wondering if it's really that I can't sleep or if it's more or less that I'm stressed out. If I'm honest with myself I know that it's the latter, but come on - I mean seriously - what the hell do I have to be so stressed about? I mean I'm a college graduate so I don't have school. I work for my mom so it's not like I have a nasty boss...for the most part. I have a few really good friends to support me. I have an amazingly encouraging family. I truly thought that once I was done with school life would be more carefree. It's not like I even changed jobs once I graduated. But college graduation leaves all kinds of new and potentially life changing decisions. It means that I have to decide whether to go on to Law School just plain Grad School. I have to decide if I even want to go to more school for that matter. If I do decide to go to more school that means new entrance exams...can we say LSAT people! Yikes! Then if I do pass these exams I have to decide where to go to stay in MT or not to stay...that is the question. After all is said and done I will have to relocate. I hate packing and moving (which is probably the reason I haven't decided what to do yet). But it's still not done there. In the end I will have more school, another graduation, and a whole new set of decisions. The worst part of it being...I don't even know where to start with any of it. Now on to work. I work at a law firm. We do divorce and child custody cases, that's it. That's our sole purpose. It's not the boss - it's the mini-bosses (i.e. the crazy clients) that are the hard part. This is one of those businesses where it isn't unlikely to hear from the same person 3 times a week, if not 3 times a day...enough said. As for good friends (you know the ones that you spend time with, not just talk about how you should spend time with them)...well beyond Kara...I think I might need some new ones. I'm not shy about stating that for the most part I am not fond of people my own age. People older than me are not fond of people my age. What's a girl to do? Making new friends in this town is challenging, especially because I don't share the same interests as most people in their 20's. Don't get my wrong, the friends I do have are fine, but Kara is the only one who seems to have her crap together, but she's working 2 jobs and has her own stress. Of my other close friends, one lives at home and works for the at home at damn near 25 is NOT having your shit together; the other close friend is 23, has a 3-year-old and 8 month old, no job, no money, and is getting divorced. Now I know that its selfish to think that this might be a source of stress for me when she is going through so much right now. However, as much as I love her, she doesn't listen. I told her to get a part time job when they were going to file for divorce the first time, I told her to save her money and get an attorney, I told her to be an adult about things. She didn't do any of these things. I get that it's her life, blah blah blah, but why ask if you are just going to disregard what I say? She is now a week into her new divorce proceedings and still has no job, no money, and no attorney. I know that you are now thinking why not ask my attorney mother to help, right? Well, because I don't want her involved. Plain and simply put it's not her job to rescue my friends. We've tried before and failed miserably. I promised myself that I would never put my mom or myself in that position again and I am holding on to that. I don't lend friends large sums of money so I won't help that way. Again, been there, done that. Not that she's asking...I made it clear in the beginning that she should even think about asking. It sounds cold, yes, but mind you - I asked her not to get married at 18 and told her that I thought having another baby was a bad idea...I guess what I'm saying is that I don't understand why my friends don't just learn that I am almost always right about what will happen in other peoples lives even if I do kinda suck at my own. So these are apparently the reasons I am stressed....good to know...and if you get to this point before you decide I'm rambling...I'm sorry you had to read about my feeling sorry for myself even though I know that I am a very blessed and loved individual. If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it, right? Or for the less religious...This too shall pass. I'll just rub my ears and chant a little "whoosaaaaaa" now.

September 11, 2008


(the photo on the right is a part of public domain from the Dept. of Defense found via flickr; the lights shine up from "Ground Zero" where the World Trade Centers once stood)

So it's been 7 years since the towers fell and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I realize that no one probably will read this and it surely won't be in a timely matter. Therefore my Sept 11 ramblings will go unnoticed. However, that being said, I live in Montana. It's a long way from NYC. Though I have never been there I have a great respect for the city. It's loud and busy, but people who live there generally love it. I remember 9/11/01 in a hazy blur. I started my day, just like all the others. I got up and got ready for my senior year of high school. Got in my car and picked Meaghan up. I remember her getting in my car and saying something along the lines of, "A plan hit the World Trade Center." Of course, I like everyone else, was hoping it was just a joke. She assured me it wasn't so we turned on the radio and went to school in silence and shock. I remember getting to school that day and every single classroom had a television in it. They were all on and we all watched in suspense...knowing what was going to happen and praying it wouldn't. I remember thinking, "How did this happen here? How did it happen in the United States?" Then they fell. I remember the entire class gasping. We were all shocked. I remember some of us wept, while others seemed so nonchalant about it. Even saying things like, "So what - NYC is a long way from us. Who cares?" I remember those comments and how angry they made me. Almost 3,000 people from around 90 different countries were dead. Millions of lives were changed in an instant. I remember hearing them talk about the brave rescue workers who died, I remember the talk of men and women calling home to say their final good-byes, I remember the nation weeping together as one people. I remember thinking in my own selfishness, "dad's a fireman...what if that happened to me," and crying for all the people who would never see that special person again. That was a day that color, religion, class, status, all of the things we classify one another by, just melted away. I remember a nation pulled together in sadness and outrage in the following months, even years. Now we are at war. I have a friend in Afghanistan. She been there a few times. She signed up for the military before we even graduated from high school. She's smart, funny, and beautiful. I don't see her or talk to her, but I think of our troops, especially mine, often and I send up a little prayer. So I wonder, on this 7th anniversary, do we still remember? Does it still hurt or have we all moved on? I can't answer this question for everyone. I can only answer for myself. I have not moved beyond caring, but I am lucky. The events that unfolded that day aren't a part of my everyday life. I live far away from them. But I think of the people it effected directly often. I think of all those yellow ribbons we all had in support of our troops and all of the American Flags we flew. It's rare to see any of those anymore. The war and the tragedy have subsided for many and we feel no need to show support anymore. So, in light of that, here are my prayers, my love, my admiration for you. I haven't forgotten and I wish you the best. All my love.

everyone has a blog

Ha! So since a couple of my friends with families have blogs I thought I wanted one even though I have no one. That remains to be seen. But so is the life of a single gal in small town Montana. I will probably blog this as much as anything else, meaning I've had one before, but at least now the nosy nellies on MySpace will have to work at butting in to "ma buniess" as they say. J/K - but on a more serious note - does anyone know of any jobs available that don't have to do with morons? Because working for a divorce attorney is full of them.