I have learned in the past week that I should really start writing down things so that these cover things...also, I'm sick so I feel not as funny but here goes:
Dear person in the big red truck: Thanks for almost hitting me on my way back from lunch asshole. Glad I have good brakes! Note to others: Look before changing lanes.
Dear Higher Power: WTF are you doing? My life is not a joke...I'm mean srsly this is ridiculous - let a girl have a breather!
Dear person who wasn't worth mentioning last week: My bad. I'm an asshole...Thanks for admitting I'm not a terrible person. I'm glad you remembered that you CAN talk to me even if you feel like your being a bitch. Welcome to the club!
Dear client who dumped us for no reason: Fuck you! Dude your wife is going to screw you over so bad! HAHA! Good luck jackass! I shall go tell her attorney to have a field day...and he will because I bring him COOKIES! Take that!
Dear Kanye West: Imma let you get back to your life, but Taylor Swift had the best...okay I got nothin' dude! You're just kind of a jackass. Oh, and btw I totally didn't buy your fake ass apology on Jay Leno (which I saw on youtube...of course I didn't actually watch)
Dear client that thinks we aren't mean enough: It's not us it's you. Quit feeling sorry for yourself.
Dear AA people: Quit telling people it is OKAY to feel sorry for themselves! It's counter productive.
Dear Kelly: I am still not wearing that nightie thing even if I find it to tell you where it ended up. However, that does not mean that I don't love you and that you don't owe me a drink for even making me take it home. Margaritas on you? yes please! :)
Dear Pro Auto Sound and Security: 7-10 days does NOT mean 3 weeks. Pull your head out of your ass. My mommy paid really good money for you to put that remote start in my car!
Dear BFF: I did NOT receive snacks the last time I was over with hubs. What is your problem? Get on it woman! I want my booze and snacks like you promised while I'm "entertaining" the hubby! Also, I know you think it's a bit "weak sauce" that I'm fine with that girl again, but please move on...plz
Dear Girl who should be bitch slapped: It is NEVER ok to kiss your sister's boyfriend...even if you're drunk. Not cool!
Dear fat cat: Just because you're cat box is not filled with litter (little kitty got de-clawed - I know I'm mean - anywho) does NOT mean you should pee in my bathroom sink and shit in my shower! I should kill you but you're so fat and cute...the dilemma!
Dear 5 followers (yep 5!): Thank you! You're awesome and if you ever make it to Montana I will buy you alcohol. Promise...or cookies if you don't drink...which is always kind of sad, but I feel your pain.
Dear Blogger: I hate you right now - I can't see my followers so I can't link them to my last point. DAMNIT you're as bad as facebook sometimes!