September 16, 2009

Letters to my life September 16 edition in an attempt to not be an epic failure like the BFF Twiggy...thanks for finally updating...anywho - I am going to attempt to do all of my bitching in on this blog in this form once a week or month or year or whenever the hell I feel like it. Hey it's something to do at my boring ass job and it helps me to be less annoyed (or more - not sure). So here goes week 2:

Dear person who's name isn't even worth mentioning: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Yep I'm still pissed a week and a half later. I can't believe you insulted me and the bff. So much for me being your "best friend". If this is how you treat people you can keep you. I don't want you anymore me thinks. I know that this may or may not (or probably never will) be over at some point, but I gotta tell ya...I have helped you take care of your kids more than almost anyone else and yet you think that I think kids are such a HUGE burden. Oh wait - THEY ARE, but they are a burden that I would gladly take on for the BFF. Just FYI - her kids will hopefully be potty trained before they are 4 and SHE probably won't feel the need to yell at them ALL THE TIME. So thanks for the eye opener on how important I am to you.

Dear Kitty: I'm soooo sorry you are at the vet getting de-nutted. You're still an asshole though and yes your claws have to go...also, could you please get your cuteness to pay for new carpet? Thankyouverymuch. And again - I feel guilty...but you're still kinda an asshole...

Dear client that doesn't listen: The other attorney is out of town ALL week. Period. The End. ALL WEEK. Quit calling us and asking us if we've heard anything. The answer will be the same no matter what...

Dear client that is an asshole (that was also in here yesterday): Dream on jackass...there is no way you are getting full custody - try away man! Good luck with that...and btw why did you have kids with the bitch? Also, why did you need to bring your girlfriend you fucking pussy? You aren't man enough or she suddenly acquired a law degree? She's about as smart as a left nut you fuckwad. Have you listened to the girl like EVER!?!?

Dear Facebook: I still hate you. You never work right for me...and apparently I'm not the only one. Fix yourself immediately!

Dear Cellphone: I also still hate you...Come Oct 7th we are done! Thank you baby Jesus!

Dear life: Why do you have to be so fucking complicated? Why do you have to shit on the lives of kids? I mean is it really necessary to give a teenager cancer? WTF?!? I mean I think it's shit when it happens to adults, but srsly COME ON!

Dear new baby Aaydan: Welcome Sugar...may your life be everything your parents dream.

Dear little Tristan: Careful when you hit your new brother...I know it's inevitable that you will, but some day he may be bigger than you. He'll remember how you treated him and if your not careful he'll kick your ass. Also, make sure that mom isn't looking when you do. You will get in WAAAAY more trouble if she sees it :)

Dear BFF: I lover you...and your husband (in the dirtiest way possible)...I will be sneaking in to have my weekly tryst with the hubs tonight at can watch if you'd like :) Oh, and thanks for being pissed at that one chick for me...but you're still an asshole you Edward fantasizing weirdo!

Dear new Twilight movie: Please can't you premiere like a month early so I can stop hearing about this shit!?!?! I mean you are the talk of the town and I got PUT ON HOLD so that the BFF could listen to your new trailer. You are bullshit, but hopefully you are BETTER bullshit than the first movie b/c when Stephanie Meyer said that you shimmer I'm pretty sure she didn't think you'd look like you got rolled in gold glitter glue...justsayinisall!

Dear people who read this: Fake like you follow me...I'm pathetic with only 2 followers. I will make you cupcakes. Ok that's a lie, but I will follow you back...probably, unless your some creepy fat guy who looks like a child molester. If you are I guess ignore this post. And every other post.

Dear everyone who made it this far: Thanks...I now love you more than the BFF - k well maybe not that much but thanks...


JKFriesz said...

Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Don't worry, I will have appetizers and booze ready for the weekly tryst. Yes I'm still pissed because I love you and yes my kids will be potty trained before four and you better love me the most bitch! Love you!

Travis said...

You keep it real. You get a follow from me. That's real.

Hillbilly Duhn said...

You followed me first, which brought me over here and I have to say that was funny. I want to follow just to see what you'll be bitching about tomorrow or the next day or whenever the sam hill you freakin post! =)

Miss_Nobody said...

Ha,I KNOW! two followers,I have been there.And I'm following,cos that was awesome.really.Now where's my cupcake?

LiLu said...

Oh, how I love the anger. I feed on it, for reals.

BTW, I read "Dear person who's name isn't even worth mentioning"


"DEAD person who's name isn't even worth mentioning"

and I was all, that's a LITTLE harsh.

But just a little.