January 13, 2011

27th B-day reflection....

So today I turned 27...actually really it will be in like 2 hrs...but same difference - ha

Gotta admit - 27 was a little scary. 25 was bad but 2-mother effin-7!?!? WOW! However, after going over and over all of the things in my life that I was supposed to have done by 27 I realized that I'm where I need, and frankly, WANT to be right now. No matter what I may have changed all of the bad shit that has happened in my life would have still happened. Those life-altering, mind blowing, heart breaking things that have happen...well most of them (or all) have been completely out side of my range of "shit Jesse can control". No matter what Kate would have died, Gramps would have died, BG would have died, Uncle Neil and Josh would have died, I would have still found Sandy and Steven to fuck up my world, I would have struggled with things just like everyone does. So many of the things that have happened I had little control over. So say things went as planned. I went to Rocky right after HS, graduated, went to California for grad/law school...what would that look like for me now? Then I realized all of the things I wouldn't know, the shit that wouldn't have happened, and MOST importantly the people I would have missed out on. Kate left when I was in HS and with her she took a few people. Since HS I have met some of the MOST FABULOUS people in the world. Had I done what I planned I wouldn't know SO many of the wonderful people that fill my little world with so much LOVE and absolute JOY. I might not have reconnect with Martha and Liz. Maybe I wouldn't know Kelly, Denise, Morggan, Jordie, Becky, Shelley, Andrea, and the courthouse ladies...Or Shelly, Rion, Mitchell, and Nick....who knows how close I'd be with Ana and my little babies...And what about Natasha and her family...fuck can't even imagine...weird...fuck I'd be lost without any of these people. I wouldn't be me. I'm sure I would have found people to be with, but who? It definitely wouldn't be these wonderful people. It's seriously disheartening to imagine my life without any of them. Without those people or Kara, Mirandy, Stacy, Ash, Natalie...SO many people. I would trade some experiences for different ones, but ONLY on the condition that I had all of these wonderful, beautiful people in my life...I am so grateful and blessed. There's a Shel Silverstein poem about "what if's" that Kate gave to me when I was little...It's a child asking all of these "what if" questions. I can ask the what if's but they aren't so. What is just is. I am where I am supposed to be. I am so very extraordinarily lucky to have my life and my FAMILY of choice. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me...to thank each and every person who has loved me would take an eternity. To say the words that I feel in my heart would be impossible. This birthday I am feeling so LUCKY and GRATEFUL. I am so very, very blessed to have each and everyone of these people in my life. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

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