September 16, 2008

Stress...and rambling

I miss the ocean....whoosaaa
So I get to work yesterday and my boss who is also my mother very poignantly says to me and I quote "you look tired." Now is it just me or does that statement actually mean "you look like shit." Thanks mom!! Anyway, I digress. So I started thinking about why I would "look tired." I think the problem was that I am actually exhausted. My mood has moved beyond tired. I don't sleep a lot and when I do it's not that oh so good, nothing can interrupt it, deep, dreamy type. It's more like...sleep, cat runs through, sleep, neighbors home, sleep, weird dream, sleep...oh shit alarm clock. It's interesting to me though. This pattern of my life has me wondering if it's really that I can't sleep or if it's more or less that I'm stressed out. If I'm honest with myself I know that it's the latter, but come on - I mean seriously - what the hell do I have to be so stressed about? I mean I'm a college graduate so I don't have school. I work for my mom so it's not like I have a nasty boss...for the most part. I have a few really good friends to support me. I have an amazingly encouraging family. I truly thought that once I was done with school life would be more carefree. It's not like I even changed jobs once I graduated. But college graduation leaves all kinds of new and potentially life changing decisions. It means that I have to decide whether to go on to Law School just plain Grad School. I have to decide if I even want to go to more school for that matter. If I do decide to go to more school that means new entrance exams...can we say LSAT people! Yikes! Then if I do pass these exams I have to decide where to go to stay in MT or not to stay...that is the question. After all is said and done I will have to relocate. I hate packing and moving (which is probably the reason I haven't decided what to do yet). But it's still not done there. In the end I will have more school, another graduation, and a whole new set of decisions. The worst part of it being...I don't even know where to start with any of it. Now on to work. I work at a law firm. We do divorce and child custody cases, that's it. That's our sole purpose. It's not the boss - it's the mini-bosses (i.e. the crazy clients) that are the hard part. This is one of those businesses where it isn't unlikely to hear from the same person 3 times a week, if not 3 times a day...enough said. As for good friends (you know the ones that you spend time with, not just talk about how you should spend time with them)...well beyond Kara...I think I might need some new ones. I'm not shy about stating that for the most part I am not fond of people my own age. People older than me are not fond of people my age. What's a girl to do? Making new friends in this town is challenging, especially because I don't share the same interests as most people in their 20's. Don't get my wrong, the friends I do have are fine, but Kara is the only one who seems to have her crap together, but she's working 2 jobs and has her own stress. Of my other close friends, one lives at home and works for the at home at damn near 25 is NOT having your shit together; the other close friend is 23, has a 3-year-old and 8 month old, no job, no money, and is getting divorced. Now I know that its selfish to think that this might be a source of stress for me when she is going through so much right now. However, as much as I love her, she doesn't listen. I told her to get a part time job when they were going to file for divorce the first time, I told her to save her money and get an attorney, I told her to be an adult about things. She didn't do any of these things. I get that it's her life, blah blah blah, but why ask if you are just going to disregard what I say? She is now a week into her new divorce proceedings and still has no job, no money, and no attorney. I know that you are now thinking why not ask my attorney mother to help, right? Well, because I don't want her involved. Plain and simply put it's not her job to rescue my friends. We've tried before and failed miserably. I promised myself that I would never put my mom or myself in that position again and I am holding on to that. I don't lend friends large sums of money so I won't help that way. Again, been there, done that. Not that she's asking...I made it clear in the beginning that she should even think about asking. It sounds cold, yes, but mind you - I asked her not to get married at 18 and told her that I thought having another baby was a bad idea...I guess what I'm saying is that I don't understand why my friends don't just learn that I am almost always right about what will happen in other peoples lives even if I do kinda suck at my own. So these are apparently the reasons I am stressed....good to know...and if you get to this point before you decide I'm rambling...I'm sorry you had to read about my feeling sorry for myself even though I know that I am a very blessed and loved individual. If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it, right? Or for the less religious...This too shall pass. I'll just rub my ears and chant a little "whoosaaaaaa" now.


Stacy & Matthew said...

Hey Jess I am sorry you are so stressed out. Let's have lunch next week! I will call you, what days work better for you?

S&J Jones Family said...
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S&J Jones Family said...

I don't think you are being selfish or cold. You need to watch out for yourself first and foremost. It's just smart to protect yourself and your family if you don't want them to get involved in other people's issues. Unless you have completely flipped a 180 from the Jesse I know...cold is NOT the word I would use to describe you. I have always found you to be a very caring person. You know...a real friend. It's not much, but I hope hearing that will help you.